What a letdown.

An ex-girlfriend came by last night and stayed the night.

We had a bunch of sex, once last night and twice today.

By the end of it, I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel like I wanted more, feel like I wanted her, feel like I needed to do anything. It was just sex, and I realized what I was talking about the other day was not sex. I didn't feel better of fulfilled, by the third time I realized I could just keep fucking and fucking and I wouldn't feel any better. I didn't want her to stay afterwords to hang out or just shoot the shit, cuddle, do anything.

I went out to the fights tonight alone and didn't really mind. I had to keep my opinions to myself, and couldn't bullshit with anybody when GSP won the fight. (Atta boy Georgie!) I came home and sat in my room alone, like I do everyday. I did my homework all day alone and was perfectly content.

I'm becoming a shut in?

Besides school six times a week on four different days, the gym three times a week and groceries, I really don't go out unless my roommate has friends to go out with. I always have fun, but I'm always the youngest so I never really fit in 100%.

I'm happy with it though. I mean, I don't work because of school mostly and scheduling issues, but I'm okay with that too even though I realize I have to get a job come summer. I know none of my friends really miss me all that much and get by without me just fine, I know to most I'm just a guy to get shitfaced drunk with and have a good time with. I'm not really okay with either but that's how things are. Most people are leaving or too reluctant to go anywhere at all from my home town, so either way I don't really see anyone.

I'm not sure if I'm happy or not to be honest. I think I am, I feel happy for most of the day but at others I feel so shitty about myself. For not doing my history papers and procrastinating and not getting as good of a grade as I could. For my self image. For how I treat strangers sometimes. For my own thoughts even.

I'm certainly not way depressed anymore, but I have to wonder if that feeling ever really goes away. If I'll ever be as happy and go-lucky as I once was.

This summer is going to answer a lot of questions about myself and what I do is going to be big. I really want to land a job I enjoy.

I also really want a big group of friends right now. Have a BBQ and some beer. And just hang out, now that I'm old enough to do those sorts of things I realize I don't do it nearly often enough.

So many questions, so many thoughts, so much time, so few answers.