It's everything you ever wanted! And worse!

I swear I'm getting dumber. If not fucking stupider, at least miserable at predicting what's going to happen.

So a good friend of mine and I decided we wanted to be exclusive with each other after we hooked up (her friend helped out too, which was cool) because I couldn't stomach the thought of her sleeping around with other guys. I don't want to make her out to even sound like a whore because she's not, but I think she would have and would have frequently if we just thought we could keep it casual. So instead we made it FACEBOOK OFFICIAL and started to date.

It's a big deal for me. I haven't dated or slept around for three years now and for good reason. Not only did Evelyn scare the bejesus out of me and turn me off women for a long while, when I was ready this last year I found nobody came even close to meeting the requirements and standards I had from Evelyn. Nobody could compare to her it seemed. Maybe it was because I had moulded Evelyn into the perfect girl in my mind over the years and just idolized her to death, but everytime I thought about maybe getting close to someone I shot them down or they turned away when I expressed extreme disinterest to them.

So when I did finally start dating (Lets call her) Oceania I was happy. I had finally come to terms with myself and Evelyn and made the conscious choice to shut out the voice in my head that told me to wait for Evelyn and instead finally give my heart over to someone else that not only interested me and intensely aroused me, but also desired me and my Love.

I've even told her I Loved her. It's terrifying.

Evelyn and I had been talking for awhile. It was stuttering and beyond painful to say the least, the conversations always faded and died after a few minutes and after expressing initial excitement of being able to talk to one another things always went to small talk and I could have cried in frustration and anger over it. After I had told her I was going across the Atlantic to live my motha'fuckin dream and go to Europe she told me she was ecstatic for me and had wanted to see me. I took it with a grain of salt, always thinking it would maybe kind of happen if she had the time or remembered me.

Well it turns out she did. She made the effort to come visit me and told me everything that's happened to her since we've separated.

If I could count the nights spent lying awake and crying, just begging the world to turn just right and bring Jen back to me I'd need an orchestra of hands. I dreamt for months at a time of her wanting me to come back, walking towards me and admitting she still Loves me. They were always nightmares that left me with tears in my eyes when I woke up and realized the sad reality and I had them right up to weeks before Oceania and I started to have sex.

She did. She told me she's Loved me all along and has been unhappy with her choices in men and some life decisions as well.

It was like everything I had dreamed of, thought of, wished for all unfolding right in front of me.

Oceania had said she was fine with me seeing Evelyn as long as Evelyn wasn't going to confess her undying Love for me. I had said that wasn't going to happen.

I don't know. Just talking about the whole thing has totally drained me again. I'll bitch about how I feel and whine about how I Love two amazing people and they both Love me back in another entry. Just thinking about it sucks the life out of me instantly.

After careful consideration

Goddamn do I hate having to actually know a thing about myself. I knew exactly how I would react.

At first I actually thought the whole thing was pretty funny. I was strolling around the house chuckling to myself about how much of a bitch it's going to be not having the only girl I've ever had stand by me and always had to run to whenever I'm down and out. I was literally laughing at my future self. What an asshole.

Next I kind of soured up and got the bitterness of the whole situation in my throat. I just kind of sat there, still laughing ruefully occasionally with my roommate about something dumb or trivial (I forget) until I actually got mad.

We had people over for a "scary movie night" which consisted of the worlds shittiest and so not fucking scary it made me shit my pants out of raw and utter boredom: Drag Me to Hell. I literally bitched the movie to death. They turned it off and changed over to Black Swan, which was alright except for the part where Natalie Portman is doing sexy shit. That's amazing.

There's a couple standouts about this whole dumb scenario.

1.) Why is it that I feel the all-consuming need to be with another person? I've been single for three years at this point. I've been happy and moving leaps and bounds in my personal life and maturity, why do I feel the need to always have someone there with me?

2.) The only person who's really stood by my mistreatment, insecurities, phyiscal appearance, changing attitudes wants nothing to do with me now that I've bettered all of those things. That's a scary thought. If she doesn't, who the fuck does? And why do I care?

I guess it's about time I go to the gym. Overcompensation is a wonderful and brlliant way to deal with emotional stress.

I wish I could be wrong once in awhile.

"I understand how you are feeling right now, I understand that you have changed. But you need to understand that I have changed as well. Romantically, I am no longer interested and I do not feel comfortable putting myself in a past relationship to see if old feelings will be rehashed. Im not sure why this is all coming out from you now but to be perfectly honest, its too late. Our relationship was unhealthy for the both of us and I was left feeling extremely distressed, embarrassed, and hopeless a lot of the time. Not to say that our relationship was without some amazing times, because we had plenty. The way we were on and off and never really “together” played a huge toll on me, more then I could have ever expected at the time. I don’t want to dig up details or delve too deeply into issues because it will only cause hard feeling and upset for the both of us."

Welcome back.

Will he? Won't he! Augh!

Who knows these days. What a goddamn semester.

I seriously need a hand with the ladies. I do not know how to work them whatsoever. I don't know what it is, but I am apparently definitely fuck and chuck material (Or to be excruciatingly exact, beat the bejesus out of the bush around sex and then sort of/ sort of not actually do anything before she bails) to women. Now I am not trying to sound like a douche. With a whopping two female interests in the last 7 months, both of which bailed for other dudes does not deserve stud material. Like at all.

I don't know. It's really pretty tough to whine and bitch, and that is exactly why I haven't been around a whole lot. My semester was pretty easy and I didn't do a whole hell of a lot, I stayed active and got my ass kicked five times a week with jitz and the gym, and for awhile there I was working the bedroom thunder until that fell through. Like right through. That's okay though, because if I was AT ALL emotionally involved with the 'gal it would have gone up on this.

Instead I'm moving back into my moms basement in two weeks and working for the summer before I head to the UK. Seriously. I got accepted to the University of Wales and am gone to England for at least a year. I haven't had the chance to go crazy over it yet, but even still I'm excited as hell about the opportunity and incredible experience its going to be. Europe for History majors is like hookers and blow for Charlie Sheen.

But the real meat and dirt of why I came wandering back was because I put myself out there. Like waay out there. I was feeling shitty over the whole (lets call her) Sam situation and her not being around (despite not caring and the definition of God awful sex. Seriously. I didn't think girls could really screw it up that bad, but damn Sammy - you suck at this.) I've known I'm leaving for a few weeks and so has everyone else, but I decided to tell (lets call her) Jenna I could stick out being faithful whilst overseas and actually be a boyfriend towards her.

The look on her face was worth whatever downturn I'm sure I'll take when I decide to get bitter and angry about her turning be down. Her eyes met mine and she went blank. She seriously had no idea how to react whatsoever. That's totally fair. We've had a ton of history of being on-again-off-again and random hook ups in between every tear and curse. We've had it rough as far as friendships and couples go, and randomly telling her relatively out of the blue that I'd be willing to man up, make some changes for her and stick out a long distance relationship over the Atlantic would rattle anyone. I don't blame her an ounce for turning me down with a chuckle - I wouldn't blame my own mother at this point.

With summer coming soon I know I'll be tempted to run from this blog, but with Europe coming so close afterwards and my Heart once again on the line for a girl that by all means should turn me down I get the impression I might be here more than I think.

I hope for the best. I hope she realizes I'm serious and can be a better person than what I've given her. I also hope she doesn't just crush me. I wonder how I will actually take this in the coming days.

In the meantime, Dry Spell Mrk. II begins! Oy.

The shit we do

Over time everyone builds up a healthy amount of wounds, scars, nagging injuries or broken bones.

The funny thing is we take this in as part of life and accept it. That time you feel down the stairs when you were drunk and fucked up your knee, when you were a kid and fell off the playground and busted your arm, that asshole that cross checked you into the boards from behind and screwed the disks in your back.

That is life right there. Everyone expects these, and injuries or scars like these make the best stories or tales to tell your friends as you grow up.

But what are these really?

That knee of yours, with the scar running down it from when you smashed it against the wall? That fluid isn't coming back. When you're old and your body starts to call it quits piece by piece, that knee is already hurt. That knee might be the thing that gives when you're going up stairs and breaks your hip which could confine you to a bed for the rest of your diminished time. That shoulder injury you sustained makes it impossible to do a job you need to make sure your family gets by. Your screwed up back gets worse and worse and prevents you from sleeping which slowly drives you insane and makes you think awful things to your eventual suicide. It's not as far fetched or implausible as it sounds.

So what about the emotional damage that is inevitably done to you? What does that do to your personality or character? Will it really affect your major life decisions or will you always follow the path you thought you would when you were 18?

Weird. Not really going anywhere with this though.

New Year, Same Days

It's been awhile again Blogspot, but sadly enough my last post has been pretty reflective of how things have been going and my personal feelings. I let it lie for a reason, every day when I log in to read about others I've been faced with myself and the unchanging post count.

It seems that when I'm not busy I'm desperate to find things to keep myself occupied but when I'm too busy I cut corners all around.

My exchange to the Philippines fell through as the school never contacted me once, so I've been been working towards fulfilling my traveling ambitions by going to Wales instead. But the more I work towards it, the less time I realize I have and the more complex things get. Not just with school transfers and credit, but personal feelings towards it all.

The purpose of me moving to another city was to run away from all the things I hated so badly and start over. I didn't start over but I changed a lot of negative habits and got in shape. I eat better here, I exercise 6x a week, my intellectual capacity has gone through the roof and I'm generally proud of everything I've done since I've been here. My first jujitsu competition is in a week (Holy shit!) and I'm beyond excited to compete with my team against some of the best practitioners from all over B.C.

What still eats at me before I collapse in bed every night is my relationships. Evelyn has been replaced with (lets call her)Jenna and how much she really did for me in helping me escape Evelyn. But beyond that; her smile and laugh, the positive and bright outlook on life she presented, the way she looked at me and even the way she moved. It all seems so far away, and again every thought is tainted with the thought of another poisoning her. I think about it a lot and it unsettles me often.

But as usual, it's the undertones of the situation that really bother me. I can accept Jenna and Evelyn don't want me at times and often wish for a more mature relationship with both of them. But more often it's feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness that nag me. I find myself wondering will I ever be able to find another girl to replace them, and if I do, am I just replacing them or actually moving forward with my personal relationships? I don't want to be stuck in an awful limbo going back and forth between jovial and retracted everytime someone decides they want to talk to me or not. Why can't I stay in a permanent place of content instead of always desiring more from my friends?

This is why another move unsettles me. I've fallen into a bad pattern of staying home too often and never being able to go out. This is obviously a direct factor of not having enough time for work or ever having money outside of my meagre budget, but I wonder that if I moved would I pick up the same nagging tendencies abroad? What's the point of being there and not exploring, enjoying myself and taking the time to appreciate the planet we inhabit?

The obvious answer is always to take the chance to expose yourself. Even after all this bravado and self-examination, it seems as daunting as ever.

Lastly, will anyone show up when I come home?

And who's so lucky but to have a few, Dear Souls tried and true. And there will be a chorus from a crowd, just the crickets chirping loud.

A taste of Irony

I've always been my own biggest fan when it comes to advocating the philosophy of changing something if you aren't happy.

But yet I'm sitting home alone on a Saturday night with no romantic interest and nothing to do. I feel like as more time passes since Evelyn I change and change as I feel necessary but nothing seems to come of it. I get restless and feel the need to move on because the reinvention I coveted in the city has rolled over me; although people see me very differently I'm still unhappy with a lot of things. I'm running out of things to approach to change without straying drastically from my core personality. I'm not prepared to do that.

I really want this transfer to the Philippines. I really want another tattoo. I really want someone to take notice; whether it be my jujitsu coach, the blond girl that always smiles at me in the basement of the Young building or even just an old friend looking to reminisce on what we used to do together.