If I were a booooy!

There are a lot of days where I actually think what it would be like to be a girl.

Before I start in on this, I'm going to say that I am in no way thinking of changing my sex or trying to be more feminine. I don't sit around and daydream about it, nor do I really want to be one. There is just times (Like now) when I wonder what it would be like and envy some of the aspects.

Let's face it, being fat as a male or female puts you in an awkward position. Some people are able to pull off the funny fat guy thing, or BBW as girls are sometimes known on the 'net. But for the most part on either side of the sex fat people face harsh judgements and heavy prejudice. I'm lucky not to be fat because I honestly don't think I'd have the drive to get myself out. I'd have to have one hell of an influence.

I want to know what it's like to be a girl though.

I feel like every last bit of my looks or body shape I've had to earn. I've never been outstandingly handsome or well defined in any part of my body. It's fair to say that in the looks department I'm outstandingly average.

However, I get the feeling that being outstandingly average with a girl would be fantastic. All you need is a pair of tits and a bit of a silver tongue (Both things can be purchased or learned) and you're set. You can work your way through anything, get into the right places, get with the right guys with money, be on a billboard, the Internet, porn, and do quite well for yourself doing so.

Guys can have the tongue and go places, but at some point in any mans life he will most likely get into a physical confrontation or be looked down on for not being in shape. This poses a real problem and even the smoothest talker can be pushed around by a big set of arms. And trust me, unless you have real good genetics big arms are not easy to come by; it's damn hard to get the definition and size you see in the media. Those guys have worked damn hard for it, I guarantee it.

It seems like women are always pined after, men are expected to make the play on them and "seduce." You hardly ever hear of a women having to go after a guy; I've met tons of girls that think I'm good looking and only found out weeks/months/years later because we got to be friends and they told me. They never had any inclination to talk to me, fully expecting me to make a move if I was interested even though they were.

It does feel like there is more pressure on men to perform and be a provider- a strongman, a man of talent. I know women in professions have to work harder because of the prejudice handed down by men at the top, but women can use their sexuality as a tool to work their status up. How often can a man do that? Have you ever heard of a women that kept advancing on a man get reported for sexual harassment?

Sometimes I wish I had a pair of tits and a short dress and could walk down to a club and dance for everybodys attention. I wish I could be that centre, that even though I may not be the prettiest as long as I knew how to work my hips and toss my hair all the boys would be after me. I wish that if I posted a picture of myself on the 'net it would get a million hits because I knew how to work a camera angle. I don't think these things are degrading; I would find them empowering that I have a power over someone else and I could get them to do what I please.

I guess the big reason I'm writing this is because I sprained my elbow at the gym and am sitting at home icing the shit out of it, wondering how long before I can go back and try and raise my male status by putting on muscle. More muscle means more respect at a first glance.

I really need a pick-me-up.

What a letdown.

An ex-girlfriend came by last night and stayed the night.

We had a bunch of sex, once last night and twice today.

By the end of it, I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel like I wanted more, feel like I wanted her, feel like I needed to do anything. It was just sex, and I realized what I was talking about the other day was not sex. I didn't feel better of fulfilled, by the third time I realized I could just keep fucking and fucking and I wouldn't feel any better. I didn't want her to stay afterwords to hang out or just shoot the shit, cuddle, do anything.

I went out to the fights tonight alone and didn't really mind. I had to keep my opinions to myself, and couldn't bullshit with anybody when GSP won the fight. (Atta boy Georgie!) I came home and sat in my room alone, like I do everyday. I did my homework all day alone and was perfectly content.

I'm becoming a shut in?

Besides school six times a week on four different days, the gym three times a week and groceries, I really don't go out unless my roommate has friends to go out with. I always have fun, but I'm always the youngest so I never really fit in 100%.

I'm happy with it though. I mean, I don't work because of school mostly and scheduling issues, but I'm okay with that too even though I realize I have to get a job come summer. I know none of my friends really miss me all that much and get by without me just fine, I know to most I'm just a guy to get shitfaced drunk with and have a good time with. I'm not really okay with either but that's how things are. Most people are leaving or too reluctant to go anywhere at all from my home town, so either way I don't really see anyone.

I'm not sure if I'm happy or not to be honest. I think I am, I feel happy for most of the day but at others I feel so shitty about myself. For not doing my history papers and procrastinating and not getting as good of a grade as I could. For my self image. For how I treat strangers sometimes. For my own thoughts even.

I'm certainly not way depressed anymore, but I have to wonder if that feeling ever really goes away. If I'll ever be as happy and go-lucky as I once was.

This summer is going to answer a lot of questions about myself and what I do is going to be big. I really want to land a job I enjoy.

I also really want a big group of friends right now. Have a BBQ and some beer. And just hang out, now that I'm old enough to do those sorts of things I realize I don't do it nearly often enough.

So many questions, so many thoughts, so much time, so few answers.

Sex, fucking, juker,stuffing the turkey.

My sex drive...Man.

Lately it's all I can think of. I haven't done or put anything different into my body lately, but yet all I ever think about is sex. All day.

In class I think about how I want to fuck the teacher on her stomach. In between classes on campus I pick out how I would do each and every hottie that walks by. At home I look at porn every night before I fall asleep. If someone walked into my house to borrow a cup of sugar I'd probably whip down my pants first.

I have nooo idea why. I can't remember a time when I was this bad all of a sudden. I'm popping them in class, at home watching Entourage, on the bus when we drive by somebody in a skirt. It's getting to be embarrassing, even though I haven't been busted for it yet.

Unfortunately, despite dropping down to 180lbs on a good day and looking tuffer and more badass then I have in my life, I have zero confidence. None. I'm nervous talking to girls in my history class for fucks sakes. Or I turn them away, pretending like I'm not interested or too cool or some shit; who knows what goes on upstairs.

I haven't actually picked up a girl in ages, I haven't ever really charmed anybody before into thinking I'm super. And now that I'm so horny and basically seeing all women as walking blow up dolls, I doubt any sort of wit will come out. I'm more likely to get laid when I get thrown in jail for staring at some twelve year olds tits at this rate.

I really need a boost. If I knew that if I went out somebody would approach me and come on to me, all of this could go away. I haven't been told I'm good looking in so long, I feel so left out and ugly lately. I've posed every day in the mirror for myself, flexing at every angle, but I still see imperfections and folds of fat on myself and that's all.

I eat soooo healthy. Today for example;
Two eggs and toast, ham and chicken, protein shake for breakfast.
An apple and a banana for snack.
Sandwich and another apple for lunch.
Mr. Noodles and a hot-stuff for snack.
Pasta for dinner, dark chocolate aero for dessert.
Protein shake before I hit the hay.

I know the latter part of the day isn't super healthy, and I know it seems like alot. By constantly eating and putting nutrition in my body, it keeps my metabolism up and running and helping keep my weight down. As well, it helps build muscle. Also why I'm tanking down so much protein.

I mean, I do look great. I am proud of myself, but at this point I really need someone to tell me that. I feel fantastic and cocky right up until I open my dumb mouth and either blow somebody off or fumble with my words. Mr. Too cool or Mr. Drop the Ball.

On reflection, maybe it's all the protein that's doing this. Weird. I kind of like being so horny though, I get to look at way more girls than normal.

Fuck it, I may just put webcam shots up and then update my Facebook status to "I WANT A BLOWJOB."

Work and play can never be mixed the way you do.

Weekends

I hate weekends in blogland. Nobody I follow ever writes anything and I'm without amusement all weekend.

Especially this one. All I did was procrastinate, watch movies, work out, and then spend seven hours straight studying and taking insane amounts of notes for two different history classes. I have papers due in two weeks that I haven't even started that are worth 40% of my grade. Yecch.

I really, really need to meet a lady. Wowee.

Marujuana

I am so sick of pot.

All my friends do it usually on a weekly basis, some daily. I'm tired of all the excuses and misconceptions around about it.

People say it's not a gateway drug, people say it's not addictive, and they say it's not even a drug.

I've lost a best friend to pot. He had a kid, and soon after starting smoking pot. I really don't consider that father material, and when was separated from his girlfriend and suddenly had to pay child support, he couldn't afford it. Yet he still always had pot and was getting high every day. I cut him lose after close to nine years of friendship, that's totally despicable. I couldn't even stand to be around him after that, I actually found myself nauseated that he would choose pot over his own little girl.

I've seen a guy go from 245 pounds of solid fat to 140lbs. He smokes every day and he won't go out anywhere unless he's high. When he's high he loses his appetite so he basically stopped eating, he found he has energy when he's stoned so he could go out and do things. But when he's not he's always tired and doesn't do a thing.

Everyone I know has done it or does it regularly. I am the only person I know who doesn't smoke or has even tried it.

People prescribe it to help you sleep, help alter your moods. Anything that as accessible as pot that can be used for medical reasons as well is terrifying. I honestly hope it stays illegal forever.

I have no sympathy for anyone who's depressed and continues to use it to 'calm down' or 'ease nerves.' I know too many people that say that time after time but continue to get worse and worse in their social and mental health. It won't change. Altering and killing brain cells repeatedly is not an answer for anything, it will only make things worse.

I'm an outcast for my beliefs. People won't do it around me, people shy away from the subject around me and make excuse after excuse to what they were doing last night. I know though, it's not some big fucking mystery. I'm not an idiot. I'm tired of being treated like one on my beliefs on the subject.

Besides, even if I really wanted to do it, I can't afford to be pumping that shit into my system as much as people do.

I honestly think if I had the dedication to get up an hour earlier everyday and go to the gym five minutes away and worked out a little before each day I'd feel 100% better about myself.

But fuck do I ever hate cardio.

And damn am I feeling lonely tonight? Lame. I need to meet more people and get some action once in awhile.

Up the Cuts

I'm really considering trying or maybe even going on Creatine.

I did a workout today using a performance boost before and I liked the way it felt. I got a solid workout, I feel ridiculously confident and good about myself afterwords, and almost every trainer or nutritionist highly recommends it: most say it's a staple after protein powder.

More research and questions to be done.

CAN-UH-DUH!

As a nation and a people, Canadians do not have an abundance of pride.

When the 2010 Olympics were announced for Vancouver, no matter what anyone may have said or heard, the excitement level was low. Spending a ridiculous amount of money on a gigantic money scam which would put the city and increase tax rates for all Canadians was not appealing.

Throughout the games I maintained this spirit until the very last day, when Canada beat the USA 3-2 in overtime.

I'm a huge hockey fan, I played it for nearly thirteen years and it's as much of a part of my childhood and growing up as my friends and family. I watched the playoffs and remember all my old favorite players; when I was young my dream team consisted of Dominik Hasek in net and Joe Sakic up front with me. International hockey is a treat, especially when you look at the ridiculously stacked Canadian team and the raw amount of potential and talent they posses. Over half the team is made up of Assistant and full fledged Captains.

When we lost to the Americans in the qualifying rounds, the country fell off the bandwagon and cries of critique and shame for the team run rampart. Just to make it to the finals we would have to beat Germany, an extraordinary Russian team and the heavily underestimated Slovakians.

We beat all of them, blowing out Russia and Germany but barely squeaking by the Slovaks, which only raised further doubt that as a nation and a team we could beat the undefeated and favoured Americans.

We did. Sidney Crosby scored a goal in overtime that shook the country.

I'm not a patriot. I've never had that much pride in being who I am, I've certainly never really boasted about being Canadian.

I feel that through a single game, a game that Canadians invented and have led the world in domination in, we have established ourselves as a nation. I.E. Stanley Cup winners last year? Pittsburgh. Who led the entire post season in goals and points? Crosby. Who was absolutely outstanding in net? Fleury. Both Canadian, both major reasons they won the cup.

We did not have a revolution, we did not win our freedom from Britain, and we did not participate in the making of nuclear weapons.

We are a peaceful nation, we are a nation of pioneers and quiet ambition. We participate in wars as legitimate peacekeepers, we strive and make bounds towards world peace and a greener planet.

I am proud of who I am and my roots. I realize that we, like every other nation in the friggin' world, are not perfect and performed atrocities. But I also realize that we have moved forward, and though many do not agree with our politicians and political instability at times, we are a nation of progress.

I am Proud to be a Canadian, and I am proud to have help support our Canadian boys and gals with all those shiny golds around their necks. I know you may not get it or even condemn it, but let us have this one world. We pulled off an amazing Olympics and won our game in our country, our way. With style.

Pretty good, eh?

True patriot Love, in all thy sons command...