The whole encounter with Evelyn, however minor, really got me thinking.

Since she's left I've become a totally different person, I'm hardly anything that she would remember. But since then, I haven't moved on. I've had sex with an ex a few times, I've made out with some random-ass drunk girls at clubs when I was so drunk I could barely stand, but other then that I haven't met anyone. I haven't done anything.

I really even haven't given myself or had a chance to move on.

The weird thing is, I think I'm over it. If I met somebody now I could honestly say I would be able to give myself and the other 100% in a relationship. I could move on, I could stop thinking about her if I had someone else.

But I don't.

I don't have closure with her at all. I understand the reasons we separated, I understand that she may not care about me anymore, but I still don't know how she feels about the breakup. My insecurities and inner walls are higher than ever and I don't see myself actually letting anyone in. I can see people and think of things I could say, but I just sit around with a sullen look on my face and wait for them to speak.

I think my personality is suffering and dying because of this, I want to ask her so many things.

The worst part is that what she thought about our sexual relationship was completely inaccurate. What I missed immediately was her friendship and complete and smothering ability to be there whenever I needed her. This wasn't a bad thing, we were so close I felt like she knew me and I knew her better then we knew ourselves. I missed it so badly I became so depressed I couldn't do anything.

Now, I miss the sex. She was, without a doubt, the best I ever had. Now that I get nothing at all, I miss that. I've gotten used to being alone, I'm used to dealing with myself and inner thoughts. It's having someone that craves you, someone that wants you with all their heart and body and that responds to even your slightest touch. I miss that most.

I wonder how she's done. I doubt she's had half the trouble in this department.