Goddammit.

I actually talked to Evelyn for the first time in what must be close to a year.

She opened it, asking me how I was, what I'm doing, late birthday wishes, the usual longtime breakup suspects.

The old me, hell even regular me, would have injected humor. Something light and fun, something to get this beautiful girl that haunts me perpetually day and night to take interest in anything about me.

Truth be told, as soon as I opened the conversation window I felt a stomach pain, a churning deep in my gut. I could actually feel my organs responding to see this girl, to have her talk to me. I'm so scared subconsciously of what she's done and can still to me I'm afraid of even raising my voice around her. Because as sure as the oceans filled with shit, if I do we'll fight. If we talk about times past we'll fight. If I say I miss you we'll fight.

Both of us are so scarred and damaged by everything that's happened that I'm sure neither of us would be able to last a day living together. I know she wants nothing to do with me.

The worst part is that as soon as I saw her name, the first thing I thought of is making up. Forgetting all the reasons we couldn't work and starting over. Fixing myself so that she would be interested in me again, working on every single shortcoming that became so painfully obvious once we separated and I was left alone with every single one of my demons.

I don't even think I'm that terrible of a person. I just know I haven't been 100% since she left. It may not even be her, but I remember it like it was.

She won't talk to me again I'm sure. I didn't give her any reason to.