I'm scared.

The biggest reason I have this blog is so that I have a way to vent and get things off my chest so I can sleep at night.

I don't think it's good reading, I don't even want people to see it sometimes but I write it all down anyways. It's like I'm waiting for some big strong girl to sweep me off my feet and take me to paradise.

I'm slipping further.

I'm totally off the charts insecure right now. I went for a long walk today, nearly four hours, just to be alone and see where I'm at with myself.

I didn't come home happy. I feel like my inability and fears of even landing a job are pushing me down. I realize that with school four days a week and that the amount I'd be able to work is severely limited it's unlikely many places could have me, but I feel like the places I applied at should have at least called and tried. I haven't had a job I've liked for years, I haven't worked enough to merit anything. I'm running down the last of my savings and I'll be 100% broke by the end of the month.

The fact that nobody wants to even talk to me hurts more. I feel like some sort of outcast, I don't feel like I belong with anyone or anywhere anymore.

I could just keep writing. I'm scared. What's going to happen to me?

I need goals. I need reliable friends. I need someone that cares about me.

I'm a spirit now, just a ghost. Of all the things I miss I miss you most.