The whole encounter with Evelyn, however minor, really got me thinking.

Since she's left I've become a totally different person, I'm hardly anything that she would remember. But since then, I haven't moved on. I've had sex with an ex a few times, I've made out with some random-ass drunk girls at clubs when I was so drunk I could barely stand, but other then that I haven't met anyone. I haven't done anything.

I really even haven't given myself or had a chance to move on.

The weird thing is, I think I'm over it. If I met somebody now I could honestly say I would be able to give myself and the other 100% in a relationship. I could move on, I could stop thinking about her if I had someone else.

But I don't.

I don't have closure with her at all. I understand the reasons we separated, I understand that she may not care about me anymore, but I still don't know how she feels about the breakup. My insecurities and inner walls are higher than ever and I don't see myself actually letting anyone in. I can see people and think of things I could say, but I just sit around with a sullen look on my face and wait for them to speak.

I think my personality is suffering and dying because of this, I want to ask her so many things.

The worst part is that what she thought about our sexual relationship was completely inaccurate. What I missed immediately was her friendship and complete and smothering ability to be there whenever I needed her. This wasn't a bad thing, we were so close I felt like she knew me and I knew her better then we knew ourselves. I missed it so badly I became so depressed I couldn't do anything.

Now, I miss the sex. She was, without a doubt, the best I ever had. Now that I get nothing at all, I miss that. I've gotten used to being alone, I'm used to dealing with myself and inner thoughts. It's having someone that craves you, someone that wants you with all their heart and body and that responds to even your slightest touch. I miss that most.

I wonder how she's done. I doubt she's had half the trouble in this department.

Goddammit.

I actually talked to Evelyn for the first time in what must be close to a year.

She opened it, asking me how I was, what I'm doing, late birthday wishes, the usual longtime breakup suspects.

The old me, hell even regular me, would have injected humor. Something light and fun, something to get this beautiful girl that haunts me perpetually day and night to take interest in anything about me.

Truth be told, as soon as I opened the conversation window I felt a stomach pain, a churning deep in my gut. I could actually feel my organs responding to see this girl, to have her talk to me. I'm so scared subconsciously of what she's done and can still to me I'm afraid of even raising my voice around her. Because as sure as the oceans filled with shit, if I do we'll fight. If we talk about times past we'll fight. If I say I miss you we'll fight.

Both of us are so scarred and damaged by everything that's happened that I'm sure neither of us would be able to last a day living together. I know she wants nothing to do with me.

The worst part is that as soon as I saw her name, the first thing I thought of is making up. Forgetting all the reasons we couldn't work and starting over. Fixing myself so that she would be interested in me again, working on every single shortcoming that became so painfully obvious once we separated and I was left alone with every single one of my demons.

I don't even think I'm that terrible of a person. I just know I haven't been 100% since she left. It may not even be her, but I remember it like it was.

She won't talk to me again I'm sure. I didn't give her any reason to.

Suck my dick Leo.

Shutter Island was awful and retarded. Don't see it.

Since I'm too lazy to write a review, I'm sure you will anyways. Go ahead, I'll be saying I told you so when you get back from DiCaprio overacting his way through another movie.

I'm scared.

The biggest reason I have this blog is so that I have a way to vent and get things off my chest so I can sleep at night.

I don't think it's good reading, I don't even want people to see it sometimes but I write it all down anyways. It's like I'm waiting for some big strong girl to sweep me off my feet and take me to paradise.

I'm slipping further.

I'm totally off the charts insecure right now. I went for a long walk today, nearly four hours, just to be alone and see where I'm at with myself.

I didn't come home happy. I feel like my inability and fears of even landing a job are pushing me down. I realize that with school four days a week and that the amount I'd be able to work is severely limited it's unlikely many places could have me, but I feel like the places I applied at should have at least called and tried. I haven't had a job I've liked for years, I haven't worked enough to merit anything. I'm running down the last of my savings and I'll be 100% broke by the end of the month.

The fact that nobody wants to even talk to me hurts more. I feel like some sort of outcast, I don't feel like I belong with anyone or anywhere anymore.

I could just keep writing. I'm scared. What's going to happen to me?

I need goals. I need reliable friends. I need someone that cares about me.

I'm a spirit now, just a ghost. Of all the things I miss I miss you most.

Prince Not-So Charming

If I were Austin Powers, I'd be the Austin Powers in that movie where he loses his mojo and it breaks everywhere.

Except afterwords I wouldn't have sex with a robot or have seductive adventures and fight big fat guys.

I don't know when I lost my charm or what I did, but I'm becoming shyer. I don't like talking to girls anymore. Whenever someone talks to me I take it as a sign of interest and analyze them as they speak to see if they are.

I'm totally over thinking everything and it sucks. I hope I get all muscly soon.

Fuck this.

I'm ugly. Terrific.

"A cold streak indicates that at one time you were hot.."

I don't know man.

I've been single for a year and a half now. This is the longest period of time I've been single since I've started dating, and even then when I was single I had prospects or chicks that liked me. I've got nobody, nobody that even bats an eye at myself or even anyone I'm really interested in.

The worst part for me is that were this not happening and I was getting laid like crazy or had someone special I'd feel so fucking fantastic. This is the best I've felt about my body in a long time and I see room for improvement and progress that I've done. I feel stronger and less self concious, I like to look in the mirror from (Almost!) every angle and I've finally noticing real progression and dominance in the gym.

So back to old mugshot. Am I ugly? Jesus.

I really need a good photo of myself; sober, that I can refer to. I don't have any camera and the one on my laptop is too dark, which is a shame because I think I'd be posing up a storm for myself otherwise. I don't have anyone to send nudie shots though, which is half the fun.

The other thing that keeps running through my head as I look at girl after girl and say no in my head is Evelyn. I remember how perfect I thought she was and how everything felt. I really wonder if I'll ever have that again, and how will I react if I do get that back. Will I cherish it or will I be afraid of what's to come when she leaves? They always do.

I'm surrounded by beautiful women every day: hot girls, cute girls, sexy girls, playful girls etc etc etc. I don't talk to any of them and none ever want to chat or even sit by me.

It's making me think Evelyn was the end of an era of arrogance and boyish good looks. I'm just an average old looking dude now.

Ohh I'm not bored at all, you can call me when you want to call.