This bitter loneliness.

At the party last night I sat out in the deep end of the pool, my buzz dying in my throat as I watched four couples hooking up in front of me. I don't know what it was, I don't know why I cared, but it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to watch.

The nicest thing about the group was there was never any sexual tension. Guys and 'gals just having a good time, putting the week of misery and pointlessness to the torch and just destroying it with the bottle. There was no need to judge, no need to point fingers at anyone calling them stupid petty names, because we were all there for the same reason. We all knew it, we all accepted it, and moved on from the fact. As well, we would have a damn good time doing whatever the fuck we wanted. Laughing, drinking games, making fun, saying stupid things over and over simply because the words brought tears to our eyes.

But now it just seems like the integrity is gone. Everyone just decided to hook up, major make out sessions right in the pool. The long time couples I don't care about, but the few single girls just going to town on the guy in front of them just seemed so out of place. I always imagined that if it did happen, it would be with me. Sure, there was never any tension, but I'd be a liar if I didn't say there was attractions and a hint of chemistry there.

I don't even feel like a friend, just some goddamn clown to show up and make people laugh for awhile while I get drunk and they have a good time watching me do it. Sure, I'm the life of the party, people flock around, but at what cost to my character? I can't hang with them to save my life, they never even want to see me unless I've got a ridiculous outfit on and a bottle pushed to my lips. I've tried, but it's obvious they're blowing me off and I've almost given up hope.

So here I sit again. Alone and desperate to change it, but no closer or happier to achieving anything. It feels so goddamn pathetic, I feel like an empty shell of a person that I'm no longer sure exists.

The worst part of being the way I am is I can see it. I'm not about to deny much, or even looking for some big overwhelming sense of understanding/pity. I'm just looking to find my own way through the rough, but I'm so deep now it's like I'm in an endless maze.

Being desperate is just stupid as well. Instead of having something close to a pair of balls I just have this massive fleshy patch there, pulsing and red from being abused so much. Instead of being slick or trying to pull off something cool, you go for the desperation mode pickups or say something retarded that gives away your real position. What fucking girl wants that? Some loser who always seems to be one big trainwreck with massive insecurities? Mother Teresa would probably smack me in the mouth and call me a pussy; I can't imagine anyone just wanting to comfort me back to strength and wanting to stick with me through it all.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm glad I'm out of the pool and hungover now. I feel better just admitting all these stupid things, it's refreshing to admit your weaknesses, even if it is online to the worldwide web.

I'm going to go have a really good day.

We are the clowns only here to entertain.