My frustration continues.

I went to the gym again but I didn't feel it. I felt tired almost immediately, I had to really push myself for ten minutes on the exercise bike. Ten lousy minutes! I'm hardly demanding on myself and yet I keep coming up short, the small goals I set becoming distant and seeming farther then ever. I'm eating right, I'm making the effort to get up and out there, I'm doing the work and it's only getting more aggravating. I remember when I started this was easier! I remember cardio being less of a challenge then it is now, I keep gaining weight. The weight sets even felt bad, I wasn't able to stay for a full hour I got so sore and tired almost instantly.

Is this another mindgame? Am I doing this to myself?

I've stepped up my flirting nature, almost to the point of aggressive. I flirt with anyone and everyone now, the girl behind the counter, the girl across the street, the young women stuck in the training class behind me. I'm totally flying with the motto "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," and so far I haven't gained much. I still have a terrible approach and am afraid of intelligent conversation, I'm drawing blanks and can see myself feeding the conversation with small talk. It's like I'm really just waiting for someone to take a serious interest in my body all the time now, I'm putting all my hope on it. But with my confidence being on such a teeter-totter at all times I wonder what will happen if someone does bite.

At times I walk through every door with a half smirk and such a confident strut I actually stop at windows to get a look; at others I slouch and make myself invisible beneath my sunglasses. Sometimes I can strike up a decent conversation with anyone; at others I'm so timid and scared of rejection I actually squirm in discomfort until I can leave. I feel like an idiot almost all the time though, no matter the situation. I've definitely lost my former charm and wit.

I wonder if all the fucking jocks and muscle-bound idiots around are as lonely as I am and just capable of hiding it or just so occupied with their looks they don't need anyone.