I went out again, stayed true and didn't drink, but as soon as I got there people seemed disappointed I wasn't. Everyone kept asking if I was having fun, why I wasn't, etc. Have I already got a reputation? And why do people expect it, am I more fun drunk? I mean yeah, I'm rambunctious and rowdy as all hell when I'm drunk, but I don't need it to have fun or anything. I feel like I'm becoming more of this persona I've sought after and less of an individual, just something else that fits. Just another dude at the party, having a good time being totally trashed upside down in a golf cart.

I want a real relationship again, but with all of this focus on self image and just going out and doing whatever the fuck I want I feel I'm really taking away chances of anyone ever actually getting the opportunity to get to know any bit of me. Like what I really think, feel, believe. I still have strong morals and a code of conduct in the way I act, but it's invisible when I drink. I'm there for the entertainment of everyone else, showing off and acting every bit and part of the fool or animal.

When I did go to the gym, I felt a release I hadn't felt in a long time. I came out with my feathers up, chest out. The swagger was definitely back in force, but it's only taken a day or so to fade. I'm going again tomorrow, I think I'm addicted to going to the gym? The rush, the swell of pride and adrenaline, the surge of power. Even the aches and soreness that comes along with have become like second nature to me, I feel like I'm really doing something even though it's so trivial. I feel big and empowered.

I need to shove alot more cardio down, I'm still sighing too much at the mirror and looking for the flattering angles. The gym eliminates that though, I feel good no matter what I do, which is just more fuel for the fire.

I'm really beginning to accept the nature of human beings and myself alot more, allowing myself to admit to straight out and basic emotions. People try and deviate from it all the time, but we're still fucking animals that just consider ourselves above the rest of the planet and its residents. I feel better just saying them outright, taking into serious thought about all the barbaric tattoos I come up with, the living plans and styles. I feel better then all the idiots that try and deny it; coming up with fashion sense, lingo, styles and trends, fake culture, high society. I take what I want when I need it. I wear what I want because I think it looks good, makes me look and feel the way I want to project. And I'm proud of it.

I want a defining moment.