Bedtime hunger

I can work/ study tired. I can work upset or even a little distracted most days. What I can't do is work hungry-nothing gets done.

And when the fridge is empty like this it's hard to get anything done, despite how much I know I have to do. The work isn't slowing and I've just got too much to do for me to be hungry and pushing things aside in frustration like I am. My nights shouldn't be spent pissing time away on Youtube or wishing I had someone to talk to. Because someone to really talk to, to have a serious or even an intimate conversation these days has become a serious rarity.

And someone like that is important, because it really only starts to become a necessity when you realize you don't have anyone to go to. To confide in, to let loose the dark parts of your heart, to share the bitter feelings that threaten to black out what you have. It seems like I've been gaining nothing but baggage for friends these last years, the old friends that this would come out to have fallen away or out of favor. I realize I can be fickle, but I also realize that despiteless of how badly I just need to scream and throw out my troubles that I'm better off without these people.

What I would say is that I'm so tired of even showing inner shades of anything of myself and having it dismissed or blown away by every other male around me or just shut down. I'm really beginning to realize how disconnected I am from most people, I've loooooonnng ago accepted I've never been normal or one to fit in with any sort of clique or student family- and for the most part I'm happy with it. I do have a a general disdain for most people and an arrogant lip curl that I can't remember inheriting. I do look down on people from some ridiculous pedestal I seem to have carved myself but have no reason to.

With all this discontent sleep loss follows. I sweat myself awake and toss and turn all night; I dream of Love that wasn't to be leading me along with a string around my neck that I can't let go of, and I dream of lust. I dream myself awake and I blink at the force of the dream, trying hard to make sure it wasn't real and if it was what would I do? Even though I would classify some as nightmares I still chase them after I wake.

The weekend is here and I'm chasing all of this with a bottle. I know it's a temporary high and a quick fix that surely won't solve any problems and potentially even create some, but I'm excited for the solice it brings. Other than that, the rest of the weekend I'm more excited about seeing some good friends. Although we can't talk like I'd want to, they're always able to excite and make me happy. The close ones anyways.

Happy Halloween, bitches.