So this is how that feels

Movember hasn't been a month of happy moustaches.

Not only has school poured it on and forced me to not only concentrate and seriously buckle down 7 days a week, but unlike most classes I'm used to taking I'm forced to do well on my final exams to pull myself out of the dangerous C+ range I'm currently in for almost all my classes. This doesn't cause a ton of stress, but it casts images of self doubt over myself and plays tricks on me when I sleep. What really eats me alive is whats been happening in my personal life.

Since Evelyn left I've had a squeeze on the side. I know I'm still petrified of commitment at most levels so I keep the asshole facade strong most days of the week to most girls. If I don't come off as a dick, I'm probably not talking or keeping to myself at the back at class. So having someone to be intimate with, if only once every couple of weeks is really quite important. I can relax and just let myself slip, pretending I'm with someone or even just have an intense moment with her. It really makes a difference in personal happiness, despite whatever she may think of me and how it might just be sex.

The point is she's moved on and found someone she actually wants to be with or maybe it's just another fuck. I haven't really asked.

Either way, she is more than constituted to do so. We were in no way a couple or together, asides the fact we had been having sex for quite some time, so she is 'allowed' to do whatever it is she wants. In some ways I am happy for her, I know she hasn't met anyone in a long time and also has commitment problems so it's good to hear she is moving ahead and making good of her life.

But why wasn't I good enough?

Why have I never been good enough for a women to want to stay with me, even under troubled circumstances? Is it the way I treat them, the things I do, the strange values I put on sex? I want her back because without her I feel inadequate all over again, just like when Evelyn left. I feel unaccomplished despite the large amount of effort I put into so many categories to avoid just that. And this where school creeps up on me. I realize I'm still in college with an average GPA, trying to blot out personal issues with women and going through a dry spell which is beginning to really hurt my self-confidence.

The difference between me and my squeeze is that she's had ample opportunity. All this time she has been going out she's had ample opportunity to go home with a wide variety of guys, or even date some real winners. She's been waiting patiently forever and making herself content with the odd relationship we've had. I haven't. I haven't had any opportunities in nearly two and a half years. I haven't had chances to go home with anyone, date anyone special, or make any real connections.

I ran to the city to reinvent myself and restart my academic progression. I feel like I'm hitting a plateau right now, going nowhere and able to see my exe's climb higher and higher without me.

The school offers an exchange program to the Philippines and I'm seriously considering it. I feel like I'd be running again, but I also feel the major wanderlust pulling at my heart and begging me to see the world. I feel so trapped by the restrictions at home and just want to be far away from all of this ridiculous crap and prove to myself I can stand on my own.

But even more I want to prove to myself I am compatible with others and that I do have a shred of charm left.