What the fuck am I cut out for?

Fun fact: I'm totally typing this in a Gi. (Those white dresses you see kung-fu done in!)

I can't remember a time when I was doing something that just felt right. It seems like everything I get up to is very close to being proper, but not just. I'm not complaining, school is definitely where I think I should be-but there's something missing. I feel like I take 65% of the lesson and lecture plan home with me, and when I try to read my arrogance swallows me and prevents me from getting any further. As soon as I get in over my head (which is happening alot with the some of the material I have to read) I get discouraged, angry and then disgusted. Book hits the binder and I'm on Facebook seeing if someone wants to talk to me.

I think I get by with my unnatural ability to spin bullshit and vague memories of things I realize I should care about. I don't read books for knowledge, I read them with the intent of finding answers to questions I know I'll have to answer. If the book doesn't hold what I want when I skim over it, it's to Google or elsewhere for an easy answer. Has my own mind bailed out on me?

I can't force myself to read all day. I don't retain what I read and it's a fruitless task, even if I know something has to be done for the morning. This frustrates me even more and I feel useless, like everything I'm trying to get from my life isn't working. It does make me want to quit-even though I know I won't. It just reflects badly on my grades, which are the only thing that show how successful I am at what I'm doing. Are they true? Do I deserve the A's and B's or am I right to receive C's? What will I graduate with? And nigguh what the fuck is a scholarship because I sure suck at getting them!

We can all be free.
Maybe not with words,
Maybe not with a look-
But with your mind.