Every Word of Every Song

...Is about me, and I know it.

I hate it. I hate how someone could draw inspiration from something like me being crushed like I was and turn it into something so beautiful. Every chord was drawn from us and every last emotion and change of pitch thrived on our relationship.

I wish my writing could be more reflective on my mood 85% of the time, but it isn't. The blog has become a place to dump my fears, inner demons and anxiety before I sleep or right after I become provoked with intense thought. I also wish my writing was less about Evelyn, but expressing my inner thoughts and shedding skins is synonymous with her.

Next time around will be good though, I promise. I'm too tired and sick of writing at the moment to elaborate but I've got a juicy sex issue burning up inside. To three(or 4?)some, or not to?

Love will keep us Alive

When it comes to cynical (Or critical, I get either alot) thinkers, I'm usually leading the charge into the face of optimism or wishful thinking. But my recent philosophy class left me a little shaken with a hint of thoughtful.

The thought that Love might just be chemicals in your brain being released to certain triggers a man/women gives off doesn't sit well. I understand it, I believe it, but I don't like it. I've always envisioned Love to be much much more than that, not just occytosin or dopamine being released (Dopamine by the way is the same chemical that is triggered through sex, cocaine or other forms of happiness or getting high...Ugh). Love is something that doesn't just make you high or crazy, it's not something that when the Love is gone you want to kill yourself, Love is...

I'd be an idiot to think I could know how to describe Love. The greatest philosophers in the world have all come up with terms, arguments and theories that have been widely accepted around the world. I bet if I could talk all fancy and expand my mind the way they do, I would put a verbal fuckin' smackdown on those weiners-but I can't. So since this is my blog and those bitches aren't around to talk trash, I'll write my PHD theories on this bad boy.

It's certainly been awhile since I've felt the genuine feelings for someone and really had myself stumbling over my every sentence. There has been some blips on the radar here and there, there has been people which make me nervous and sweat over stupid shit and there definitely has been girls I've found myself attracted to not only in a purely physical way. What I haven't had is a combination of all of the above.

This is strictly personal, so who knows what the universal is mind you. I remember meeting all of the girls I would say I've Loved in the past, and not a single one would immediately get me excited. In fact, first impressions were pretty standard. Another girl, decent looking, a solid 6-7 on the hotness scale. What really engaged me was the talk, within a couple of awkward minutes I began to open up and begin to get a laugh. As soon as the laughter came, that's when I knew. Every single time. After a couple hours of conversation, things began to change. Features began to become smoother, blemishes began to become features and imperfections began to become fascinations.

It didn't take long for these women to become steadily more attractive and personalities to become riveting, almost like a book that needed to be read and understood. Sex suddenly became a possibility, never a foremost thought or an obsession but a growing desire that seemed to burn inside. A passion for another persons body and the innate curiosity to explore, touch, feel and learn.

All of these feelings are so distant. All of these memories are so tragic and none have ended the way I would ever have hoped for. There is a fondness in remembering, but there is a bitter taste at the end of every sentence that won't leave my lips. I want that fondness back without the aftertaste.

We are made from Chemicals, but what holds us together is much more than that. You are strong, so much stronger than me all along- 'cause you are everything and I am nothing.

Why does this already feel like a tragedy?

How can it be that when you see someone so defeated, so broken down that you can feel envy?

Maybe it's because that you know that they can only go up from there, where as wherever you are in the world you know you've got alot of growing and still more suffering to endure.

I don't envy the dead.

What the fuck am I cut out for?

Fun fact: I'm totally typing this in a Gi. (Those white dresses you see kung-fu done in!)

I can't remember a time when I was doing something that just felt right. It seems like everything I get up to is very close to being proper, but not just. I'm not complaining, school is definitely where I think I should be-but there's something missing. I feel like I take 65% of the lesson and lecture plan home with me, and when I try to read my arrogance swallows me and prevents me from getting any further. As soon as I get in over my head (which is happening alot with the some of the material I have to read) I get discouraged, angry and then disgusted. Book hits the binder and I'm on Facebook seeing if someone wants to talk to me.

I think I get by with my unnatural ability to spin bullshit and vague memories of things I realize I should care about. I don't read books for knowledge, I read them with the intent of finding answers to questions I know I'll have to answer. If the book doesn't hold what I want when I skim over it, it's to Google or elsewhere for an easy answer. Has my own mind bailed out on me?

I can't force myself to read all day. I don't retain what I read and it's a fruitless task, even if I know something has to be done for the morning. This frustrates me even more and I feel useless, like everything I'm trying to get from my life isn't working. It does make me want to quit-even though I know I won't. It just reflects badly on my grades, which are the only thing that show how successful I am at what I'm doing. Are they true? Do I deserve the A's and B's or am I right to receive C's? What will I graduate with? And nigguh what the fuck is a scholarship because I sure suck at getting them!

We can all be free.
Maybe not with words,
Maybe not with a look-
But with your mind.

Irreconcilable Differences

I just burnt the ever Loving shit out of my fingers from steam from my pasta sauce, so this will probably be quicker than I originally thought.

What is it with people obsessing over identical partners?

I guess it would be cool to talk with people you can directly relate to and have everything in common, hell, I've had it? But wouldn't it be nice to have someone as a polar opposite or just different?

I mean for me I'm pretty outgoing, like to drink and party and take my clothes off doing so, like to read about History in my (SPARE!) time, and like to keep fit and eat healthy and whatnot. So I think good conversation would be someone who doesn't necessarily hate all of these things and does their own thing would spice things up. Sure, relating with people is neato and all fun in a touchy-feely sort of way, but eventually this leads to problems. Sure, being very different people will obviously cause trouble much quicker but at least it's out there and everyone knows how much the other person hates/dislikes/ abhors said practice.

Where's the natural curiosity and the desire to try shit out? I'm one impatient guy, but having the chance to explore another person on an extremely personal way excites me. Making small talk sucks, period. So why not skip that garbage and find out what makes people tick and what turns their crank? It doesn't even have to be sexual, you can get so much more out of a person when you speak honestly about body language between each other and ask the questions that you realize you wouldn't ask normally.

Maybe I'm saying this because I'm beginning to realize more and more I'm not going to find alot of people that relate to me on any sort of personal level or even have a good laugh with on a regular basis. I'm not upset about that, I'm upset that it 'scares' people away though. I really wouldn't ever classify myself under any sort of intimidating banner, despite what I may say or think about when someone close does something that gets my goat. It happens frequently, but I've never been a man of serious action.

I guess I'm a supafreak. I'm supafreaky and I'm not right for not nobody on this wide world. I'll get by.

What does our closest future hold; day and time I suppose.

And one night could last forever

I'm falling asleep as we speak with someone elses taste on my lips.

I'd forgotten what it's like to fall asleep to sweet dreams like these.