Sunday mornings.

I'm feeling insightful and reminiscent on this quiet and dull Sunday morning.

After again seeing a grown man pretend to be semi-retarded and fake a crying spell over a plastic tombstone, all thoughts to turn to mush and Evelyn again. I truly believe she'll forever be associated with that show, but that's not really the point here. The point is, she is stuck in my mind and to banish the thoughts for a short while, I figured I'd go over what the fuck went wrong. It won't really make me feel any better, but it will at least give me a chance to maybe give a silent explanation to an audience with no background in this twisted tale. The best I can hope for is this might save someone else a heartbreak, but let's not get too hopeful.

Ahem.

Obviously it's extremely important to work in any relationship, but how easily something like that can be overshadowed by a stupid thing like a comfort zone is astonishing. One day you're comfortable showering and sharing a bed with someone, the next you're spilling your guts on your innermost feelings and thoughts on God. Things tumble quickly from there, little things that start as comforting and a feeling of perfection turn quickly to laziness and oversight.

Taking things for granted in long term relationships happens all the time, but the realization of it only comes after it's gone. This comfort zone you've established takes the wonder and magic out of little things, like spending time with someone and having someone to just listen. The comfort zone you establish with a spouse, girlfriend, or even just a fling can't get too large if this person means something to you. Soon when someone says they want change or is unhappy, this zone puts you as unbreakable. You may start to think that what you've got with whoever is for good, that no matter what things will work out.

Guy or girl, this is not true. You have to work, if your relationships easy and there's never any fights or disagreements I honestly think you're not that close. You may say you Love them, you may think that because you don't fight it's just a blessing and you're probably just perfect for the other, take that person aside sometime and give them a polygraph. I would put my life savings on the line that you would be blown away by some of the answers, and that in all likelihood, after this test any relationship without fights would be over.

Anything worth having has to be worth fighting and working for. No matter how many fights or bickering matches you get into, in the end you have to evaluate if this is working or if you want to keep going. If it is, you have to find a way to stop fighting and get things back to the way they were. Even if that means biting a bullet and saying what you never do, moving out of your moms basement, or just staying silent when you know you should.

Anyone reading this and in a relationship would, I'm sure, disagree with me. As tough as it is to believe, in all likelihood, you're in the zone. You think that this can't happen to me, only young, dumb asshole punks like this loser get dumped on like this. The sad truth is, no matter how good things are, this can happen to you. Wise up.

The other important thing I've realized over this last year and half apart is what really happened. (I think.)

When I'm together with someone I'm always hoping and wishing for some sort of test. A physical challenge, some guys ass I can kick, a show of endurance, the opportunity to say just the right thing and sooth away all pains and trouble. Just to solidify things, have that person run to you in amazement and hold you close as they cry into your shoulder about how proud they are.

What's even more amazing is the fact I had the chance to do so, I just didn't see it.

I'll never be one to use a breakup as a way to get the other to step up or prove something, I think that's horribly counter-productive. However, this is what happened to me. Evelyn clearly wanted more, wanted me to step up and show her what I was really made of. Wanted me to listen, wanted me to show something more than I had been the last little while.

I really, really did not understand this at all.

I went into a total tailspin, doing everything I could to sabotage and make an asshole out of myself. I cried, I whimpered, I stalked, I went to her over anything and everything I could.

Amazingly when a women says she wants space, you might be best to actually give her some room to breathe.

I collapsed on her, and instead of the strong, independent guy she had fallen for I became some quivering wreck of a human being. Dependent on Facebook status updates. Sitting at home crying all day. Jumping across the room to read my phone whenever I got a text. I didn't give her anything to want back, just a hopeless mess of emotions.

It's easy to sit back and pick away at my faults now, I'm sure I've overlooked so many things in my absence from my own stupidity. The point here is you have to look and listen to every movement of the person across from you when they start to push away. If they really do want to leave and it's clear, it's in your best interest to let them go. If it's meant to be, they will come back and you will have to make things work. And the worst part is if they don't come back, that's it. The final curtain. The last hurrah. And even if she/he was the best part of your life and your universe, you have to realize it's over.

I really should just read my own blog. She's gone and things may be too late.

But this hasn't really been about me, it hasn't been for awhile. If I could spare just one person in the world from what I did to myself, I would. I would take that blow myself, just because I'm that much smarter and if it happened again would have the tools to deal with it and not suffocate myself and my partner.

I hope you're that much wiser and all the happiness in the world to you.