Ten signs you might despise your job.

1.) You say "Fuck this goddamn place," more then "Hello," in a day.
2.) There's not a single hour of overtime on your pay stub.
3.) You arrive five minutes late and leave two minutes early every day.
4.) Every other employee has "Useless prick" or "Asshole" at the end or beginning of their name.
5.) The highlight of your day is signing the time sheet.
6.) You dream of serving/ misserving people.
7.) When someone asks about your work your mood swings like a pre-menstrual gorilla.
8.) After asking a question twice to a co-worker, you simply drop the matter and never bring it up again.
9.) Shrugging your shoulders is a more common then a straight answer.
10.) You're too mentally exhausted by the end of the day to even write anymore.

EDIT. 11.) The top three reasons why you might be fired: Laziness, theft, or potentially grand arson.

Goddamn.

I need to get into modelling or something. A hiney this shiny needs recognition.

Coffee!

One giant cup of coffee and one giant dump later I'm back up!

Now if I could punch that old faggoty Kejll right in the nose my day would be complete. What a fucking weiner. Go get a real job and maybe sell something at actual retail price instead of us losing money. The fact he bitches at me is astounding.

I can't wait until he dies. Useless prick.

Fuuuuuck.

I'm so goddamn tired this morning.

I had boxing last night and fought a six foot five guy. It sucked, and my forhead still hurts. Everytime I tried anything he would just chuck his jab into my face and stall anything I was trying to do.

So now I'm stuck at work, reading a bunch of teaser posts for the new Lawrence Arms album. I've heard all the teasers already and my heart started to pound, I can't believe how excited I am over it. I find it taking priority over Against Me!'s upcoming "White Crosses," the latter being my ex-favorite band. The new one? Well let's see how good Buttsweat and Tears is.

My biggest worry right this second:

How is anyone supposed to regain confidence and get out to having a fun and regular social life working at a Commercial Fishermans paradise? More importantly, how do you get out and meet the ladieyzz?

Fuck it. I'll go home and beat it again. Then fall asleep by ten.

What a kick in the dick.

I'm officially on the injury list.

I've strained my rotater cuff in my shoulder, almost popping it out and coming close to tearing the muscle there.

The dumbest part is I think I overtrained my pecs, so when I go to do pec flys or even bench press, the muscle in front of the shoulder is stronger so it does all the work. Instead of a balanced, comprehensive workout I chose to blast mostly my pecs and arms. So now all the pec excercises I do are being focused on my weakened shoulder. It feels like a twinge, a pulling deep in my shoulders. It's starting to become a constant now too.

Luckily boxing keeps my workout routine regular and active, I still feel like I'm losing weight but am lacking in the results column. Boxing strains my shoulders, but the soreness fades quickly and I recover twice as fast then I would at the gym.

Ironic. I hurt myself from doing excercise too well and too often.

Chuck Liddell got eliminated from dancing with the stars. Bummer Iceman, good luck with future ventures.

Another night out.

As the morning wraps up and the fog fades from my head, I stop and look back at last night.

It's probably a dumb subject to write about, but right now it's all I've got. Between a job I hate and a uneventful nineteen year old life, the town and the alcohol pumped into me is what I'm living every other weekend. And the scene is changing.

1.) The people.
The group is ever shifting, but if there is a constant it's me and Carey. We are out there, making new friends every time we hit the pavement, sometimes twice in one weekend. The group always shifts and we cut people out and in as we see fit, whether it be because they physically and mentally abuse their girlfriends, or simply because they can't keep up with us. Which brings the next point.

2.) The pace.
The night always starts off rowdy, with everyone getting in each others faces with lots of wrestling and play fighting with whatevers around. As the night goes on, we settle down with each other and start to share everything, whether it be alcohol or the women and people around us. It's like the pre-party activities are just there to get the blood flowing and in the mental state needed to hang with us. I've noticed that nights that I would usually class as superb wind up in the normal pile, while a crazy off the hook night is almost impossible to find. Our standards and consumption is going through the roof every week.

3.) My attitude towards it all.
As short as a month ago I could honestly say that every time I went out my head would be on a swivel for anyone who would even grant me a smile. At this point I'm happy to say it's reverting to my older self, the independent lone wolf who's only looking out for number one and keeping vigil for his buddy. I don't care who looks my way or who crosses paths with me as long as they want the same things I do, a good time and a few cheap laughs. I Love to make people laugh, and am not afraid to cast whoever and whatever aside once the night is over if it hasn't made any impact on me. Which is, again, getting harder and harder to do.

I feel like myself of old. I'm not looking, I can just simply say I'm single. Nothing else. Sure, I'm a huge flirt and if someone bats an eyebrow I'm not afraid to wade in chest deep. But once the night is done and I'm home, I can promise you won't be there or have my number. I sleep alone and only keep a few friends close and am damn proud of the people I surround myself with.

It's hilarious, it seems as soon as I do this, I get swamped. I've had three girls in the last three days looking for my house and wanting to just "swing" by. The crushed, post Evelyn me would want nothing more then that. In fact, that's all I went looking for for nearly a year. Now that I don't care and am just acting for myself, compliments and people are nearly throwing themselves at me and drowning my poor ego in lust.

And I'm not even acting on it. I just laugh it off, let the roving hands go wherever they want, and finish my beer.

I'm down nearly ten pounds, from boxing I would have to assume. I can't wait for every session, and after the fifteenth of this month I'm able to step into the ring and duke it out with whomever wants to cross gloves. I get fidgety with excitement every time I think of it.

What a way to enter my favorite season of the year.

Sunday mornings.

I'm feeling insightful and reminiscent on this quiet and dull Sunday morning.

After again seeing a grown man pretend to be semi-retarded and fake a crying spell over a plastic tombstone, all thoughts to turn to mush and Evelyn again. I truly believe she'll forever be associated with that show, but that's not really the point here. The point is, she is stuck in my mind and to banish the thoughts for a short while, I figured I'd go over what the fuck went wrong. It won't really make me feel any better, but it will at least give me a chance to maybe give a silent explanation to an audience with no background in this twisted tale. The best I can hope for is this might save someone else a heartbreak, but let's not get too hopeful.

Ahem.

Obviously it's extremely important to work in any relationship, but how easily something like that can be overshadowed by a stupid thing like a comfort zone is astonishing. One day you're comfortable showering and sharing a bed with someone, the next you're spilling your guts on your innermost feelings and thoughts on God. Things tumble quickly from there, little things that start as comforting and a feeling of perfection turn quickly to laziness and oversight.

Taking things for granted in long term relationships happens all the time, but the realization of it only comes after it's gone. This comfort zone you've established takes the wonder and magic out of little things, like spending time with someone and having someone to just listen. The comfort zone you establish with a spouse, girlfriend, or even just a fling can't get too large if this person means something to you. Soon when someone says they want change or is unhappy, this zone puts you as unbreakable. You may start to think that what you've got with whoever is for good, that no matter what things will work out.

Guy or girl, this is not true. You have to work, if your relationships easy and there's never any fights or disagreements I honestly think you're not that close. You may say you Love them, you may think that because you don't fight it's just a blessing and you're probably just perfect for the other, take that person aside sometime and give them a polygraph. I would put my life savings on the line that you would be blown away by some of the answers, and that in all likelihood, after this test any relationship without fights would be over.

Anything worth having has to be worth fighting and working for. No matter how many fights or bickering matches you get into, in the end you have to evaluate if this is working or if you want to keep going. If it is, you have to find a way to stop fighting and get things back to the way they were. Even if that means biting a bullet and saying what you never do, moving out of your moms basement, or just staying silent when you know you should.

Anyone reading this and in a relationship would, I'm sure, disagree with me. As tough as it is to believe, in all likelihood, you're in the zone. You think that this can't happen to me, only young, dumb asshole punks like this loser get dumped on like this. The sad truth is, no matter how good things are, this can happen to you. Wise up.

The other important thing I've realized over this last year and half apart is what really happened. (I think.)

When I'm together with someone I'm always hoping and wishing for some sort of test. A physical challenge, some guys ass I can kick, a show of endurance, the opportunity to say just the right thing and sooth away all pains and trouble. Just to solidify things, have that person run to you in amazement and hold you close as they cry into your shoulder about how proud they are.

What's even more amazing is the fact I had the chance to do so, I just didn't see it.

I'll never be one to use a breakup as a way to get the other to step up or prove something, I think that's horribly counter-productive. However, this is what happened to me. Evelyn clearly wanted more, wanted me to step up and show her what I was really made of. Wanted me to listen, wanted me to show something more than I had been the last little while.

I really, really did not understand this at all.

I went into a total tailspin, doing everything I could to sabotage and make an asshole out of myself. I cried, I whimpered, I stalked, I went to her over anything and everything I could.

Amazingly when a women says she wants space, you might be best to actually give her some room to breathe.

I collapsed on her, and instead of the strong, independent guy she had fallen for I became some quivering wreck of a human being. Dependent on Facebook status updates. Sitting at home crying all day. Jumping across the room to read my phone whenever I got a text. I didn't give her anything to want back, just a hopeless mess of emotions.

It's easy to sit back and pick away at my faults now, I'm sure I've overlooked so many things in my absence from my own stupidity. The point here is you have to look and listen to every movement of the person across from you when they start to push away. If they really do want to leave and it's clear, it's in your best interest to let them go. If it's meant to be, they will come back and you will have to make things work. And the worst part is if they don't come back, that's it. The final curtain. The last hurrah. And even if she/he was the best part of your life and your universe, you have to realize it's over.

I really should just read my own blog. She's gone and things may be too late.

But this hasn't really been about me, it hasn't been for awhile. If I could spare just one person in the world from what I did to myself, I would. I would take that blow myself, just because I'm that much smarter and if it happened again would have the tools to deal with it and not suffocate myself and my partner.

I hope you're that much wiser and all the happiness in the world to you.

My names Forrest, Forrest Gump.

I watched that damn movie again, cried again at the end.

"I'll be right here if you need anything, Jenny."

I still think about her all the time. I still miss you.