Bedtime hunger

I can work/ study tired. I can work upset or even a little distracted most days. What I can't do is work hungry-nothing gets done.

And when the fridge is empty like this it's hard to get anything done, despite how much I know I have to do. The work isn't slowing and I've just got too much to do for me to be hungry and pushing things aside in frustration like I am. My nights shouldn't be spent pissing time away on Youtube or wishing I had someone to talk to. Because someone to really talk to, to have a serious or even an intimate conversation these days has become a serious rarity.

And someone like that is important, because it really only starts to become a necessity when you realize you don't have anyone to go to. To confide in, to let loose the dark parts of your heart, to share the bitter feelings that threaten to black out what you have. It seems like I've been gaining nothing but baggage for friends these last years, the old friends that this would come out to have fallen away or out of favor. I realize I can be fickle, but I also realize that despiteless of how badly I just need to scream and throw out my troubles that I'm better off without these people.

What I would say is that I'm so tired of even showing inner shades of anything of myself and having it dismissed or blown away by every other male around me or just shut down. I'm really beginning to realize how disconnected I am from most people, I've loooooonnng ago accepted I've never been normal or one to fit in with any sort of clique or student family- and for the most part I'm happy with it. I do have a a general disdain for most people and an arrogant lip curl that I can't remember inheriting. I do look down on people from some ridiculous pedestal I seem to have carved myself but have no reason to.

With all this discontent sleep loss follows. I sweat myself awake and toss and turn all night; I dream of Love that wasn't to be leading me along with a string around my neck that I can't let go of, and I dream of lust. I dream myself awake and I blink at the force of the dream, trying hard to make sure it wasn't real and if it was what would I do? Even though I would classify some as nightmares I still chase them after I wake.

The weekend is here and I'm chasing all of this with a bottle. I know it's a temporary high and a quick fix that surely won't solve any problems and potentially even create some, but I'm excited for the solice it brings. Other than that, the rest of the weekend I'm more excited about seeing some good friends. Although we can't talk like I'd want to, they're always able to excite and make me happy. The close ones anyways.

Happy Halloween, bitches.

School is totally cool on Saturdays

I don't know what all the fuss is regarding sleeping alone. Whenever I have someone stay the night now I never do much sleeping, regardless of what does or doesn't happen.

Maybe it's because I've done it for so long alone or the fact that she snores. I'd rather have that bed for myself.

On a much cooler note, it's uncool to sit in a library trying to study while your sinuses feel like they're trying to swallow your face. I can't decide if I need to cry or just yank off my nose to try and get whatever is pinching the inside of my eyes out.

Well you've become predictable

I was just yanking you about the threesome thing. I mean it might still be in the works, but knowing me I won't be able to write about until I do something totally crazy/wrong/awesome so we'll keep holding our breath on that. "Why would I want to have a threesome, so I can disappoint two women at once?" Hah! I Love that quote.

I've gone back to wishing for my long lost womenhood.

If anything, my womanizing skills have gone up lately. I've made a ton of new galfriends but none of them hold any lasting or special potential. I can't help but think that in a few years I'll just be another face somewhere hidden on their Facebook profile when they're smiling at me, and while this is surely the case for most if not all friends met during college this still eats at me deep down. I wish I could make some really true girlfriends, I have so few. The few I have either just want to fuck my brains out (Woe is me, right?), only want to see me when I'm drunk or don't bother trying to hold up a decent conversation.

I may come off sounding like the worlds largest faggot to roam the Earth here, but I don't see this as healthy. I don't have sex with other women and haven't had sex with a (different) women since High school, they've all been throwbacks or almost/just abouts/you're too fat for this lady. I honestly believe healthy/one night stands are good for you and help you grow; my maturity and understanding of what women like, want and understanding has gone through the roof but I still get all nervous about sexual interaction. In fact, it downright terrifies me.

I've had (A few, I'm not that much of an arrogant asshole so settle down) girls from across the bar throw themselves at me and I've gone home alone when I could have gone home with two girls or one very cute one because I'm nervous about such trivial shit. When I hear about all these girlfriends of mine sick and tired of meeting 3-4 guys a night it's all I can do to keep my jaw closed and not falling all over the fucking floor. This guy wants to buy your booze for the night and get you drunk, is willing to put up with whatever drivel bullshit you want to talk about just for the chance of smelling what's under that miniskirt and if you say no will probably fuck off back to his friends without an ounce of shame-for every man knows what it's like to be rejected and be given nothing in return for his hard work.

Sweet Jesus I wish I could do that.

No money, effort or any sort of worry involved. If nobody does come up to me or I'm an ugly as fuck girl, whatever. I can always just dance, throw my hair around on the dance floor and grind with other girls because that's still socially acceptable and fun. I know tons of girls that don't even pre-drink or bother getting drunk just because they can either get drunk from horny rich dudes or just have fun dancing with friends. I have to pass half a bottle before I start thinking about getting behind, in front or even beside a girl-despite how well my latest gym endeavors and jiu-jitsu have been going.

I've always had this massive ego and a horrendous self-consciousness I manage to conceal from everyone. What a stupid mix.

I kissed a girl and I liked it!