What would I say about myself?

Words I would use to describe myself.

Bi-Polar. Cautious.
Wary. Overthinker.
Emotional. Pessimist.
Scared. Bright.
Unsure. Self-conscious.
Cocky. Strong.
Funny. Loner.
Sexual. Independent.
Kind. Expressive.
Lazy. Attention Whore.
Angry. Troubled.
Bitter. Eager.
Ambitious. Anxious.
Lonely.

And here we go again.

I'm twenty.

I turned twenty years old on January twenty-second at five AM. It's weird, I don't feel older or care too much at all.

From here on out all I have to look forward to is physical and mental disabilities and getting shitfaced drunk at the turn of every new year. Overall it was an ok birthday, although I have more unknown drunken injuries again. My Playstation got fucked somehow, someone poured water on it and the books surrounding it or something. I'm not really sure how it happened.

I got a sweater and some vitamins/ protein powder for my birthday this year. I'm not trying to pull a sympathy card, I'm stating facts. It's as if birthdays don't mean anything but added responsibilities and the need to act like you know what you're doing.

With hearts so heavy we could barely stand up..

Fuck this, fuck you, fuck everything.

To see her kiss anybody else is an insult.

To see his pathetic pictures, his ugly face, his fucked up and unwashed hair; it all makes me sick. I want to scream in his face, intimidate the fuck out of him and watch as he physically gives up to me and says he doesn't want to fight. Right when I have him broken down, that's when I'd do it. I'd knock every one of his fucking teeth out of his skull and laugh while I did, feeling the blood run between my knuckles.

I'd kick him while he was down, stab him in the back, throw sand in his eyes. I would do everything underhanded that I could think of just to humiliate him and feel no shame doing so. I would keep laughing as I watched him try and crawl for help, his tears and cries for help the sweetest and most addicting drug I've ever tasted. I'd come close to killing him I'm sure.

I want that power over another man. I want to know I've beaten him on every level and then walk away into the night knowing it, feeling it, living it. Because only that kind of power will ever satisfy me now knowing she's fucking him. And that I'm alone.

Every fucking couple on this planet should just keel over and die, their happiness thrown to the winds like ashes from the people of Pompeii. Dead and forever immortalized as living mummies, frozen in terror and death. Let their sorrow wash over me in waves of spite and hatred, I don't care. It's better then watching them live together. I can't stand it anymore, it's too much and I've been alone for too long.

I hope she reads this and covers his eyes, or even better shows him so he could laugh. He would reassure he could stop me, beat me up, take me out.

You can't. We've never met but I hate everything about you. For both of our sakes, I hope we never meet.

My bitterness keeps me warm at night.

This is how I should feel.

What I did an hour ago felt better and so much more part of how life should be lived then almost anything I've done in the last year.

I had an incredible workout, I feel great even now. All my muscles are tensed and worked, ready to spring. Everything in me feels like it's been revamped and reworked, I feel ready to do anything.

My head is on right. I'm confident, I feel like for the first time in awhile my mind matches how I want my body to look and how I want to be seen. Everything seems like a choice or a privelage, nothing will or could be taken for granted.

I could be the best student in all of my classes or I could fly to another city and start all over. I could go out and start the most meaningful relationship of my life or I could just fuck the shit out of the next whore I see. I could go to the gym again tommorow and repeat everything to the point of my body overloading and puking in the showers or I could never go again but still look as good as I feel right now.

Everything is a choice, it's all coming together right this second. I know I won't feel this again for awhile, so this is why I put it down. I want to remember this, I want to be able to remind myself I have a choice.

I think I might end up paying the fees for said gym and the personal trainer and get totally shredded. Or I might not.

My face is nuthin' but crooked lines...

Another Boring Story

These ashtrays are volcanoes now, apartments burn in red and brown. Salt the Earth and never grow, notice ashes look like snow.

Fallen and just sitting there, more trash then the County Fair. The smell of crowds, a burning nose, a smell familiarity morose.

Half-assed attempt only to fail; reflection ghostly pale.

You're waving while I disappear, ashes cementing my fear.

The Lawrence Arms, Another Boring Story.
Bar none, my favorite guitar solo in any song.

Gee Whiz,

Your phone doesn't need charging for days if nobody calls or texts you. Who knew?

I guess I'll stay another night.

And I won't be far. I'll be in my room, alone, waiting for a phone call from nobody or spam mail from another company.

I don't have anybody to talk to, I don't have anyone I want to talk to. I'm only looking forward to where my body is tired and forced to sleep.

I don't have enough money to go out and do the things I might like, I don't have any friends in this town.

I haven't made a single real connection. Everyone is so different, I don't want to adapt. I like the way I am for the most part.

I'm tired of sleeping with myself. I'm tired, all these drinks and drugs no longer help. I'm tired lying about not thinking of you.

Holy fucking new wave of insecurities.

Alright, for once I'm actually looking for feedback here.

All through high school I rode on the fact that I thought I was a good looking dude. Even when I was at my heaviest pushing 205lbs I had a caring girl to back up the fact I was a good looking guy, so I never thought twice about it.

All of a sudden it's really starting to kick me in the sack that I'm really not all that fabulous.

Whenever I go out to the bars I never end up flirting with the girl I want for very long usually because she turns me down pretty quickly. In class, nobody wants to sit by me; and if they do they really don't want to talk. I have a hard time striking any sort of conversation with people. Whenever I meet someone that has any sort of potential they always turn me down whenever we meet in person or they get a good look at me.

Jesus. Am I ugly?

All of this is stirking me in waves, suddenly my confidence is taking another major dip in the ladies department. Sure, striking out once in awhile is no biggie but every time you go for anything? Not a good sign.

Oh right. And there's the fact that I've been single for more than a year and a half now.

Yes, I got turned away today because I'm an "Asshole" in person, but that's just how I am. I take shots at people and expect them to do the same to me, it's how I am. I am a sincere guy, and I have lots of wonderful special amazing talents and charm.

I'm only really trying to convince myself at this point. I really don't know where I'm going with this.

I need friends who have connections in this damn city. I need to stop feeling so worthless and nothing more than another person you walk by everyday.

Tips on surviving two decades.

I don't know how I managed to earn this.

I'm officially out of my teens in a dozen days and can no longer put my instabilities on teen angst. It's an odd thought.

The first ten years of life were just living and learning how to become a human being. I was a spoiled only child from a Loving family in a good home going to a private Christian school. I did what was necessary for me to make it through school, cheating and doing the least amount of work possible. I made few lasting friends at the school and have few truly fond memories of it, I was kind of a geek and am not at all religious anymore.

I graduated with average grades, showing no promise in any departments. I didn't do a shred of homework the whole time and this nasty habit would carry over to High School.

I entered High School with a poor work habit and riding out my parents separation as well as my first time masturbating. That was an interesting summer.

I didn't try too hard in High School, passing classes on wit and my natural smarts. I didn't exploit the school at all, I was there as little as possible. I would go to first block and then skip second block, not show up some days until noon when I felt like it, and all just to be rebellious and prove some fucking retarded point. I wasn't even recognized for this "achievement."

It was here I met all of the women who would make a lasting impact in my life. None of the relationships I started survived for more than a year, and I exited a broken and extremely depressed man.

I tried committing suicide that summer, failed, and wound up in a year long slump. Little happened in this time asides endless hours of TV and sitting around the house. I met some people, lost touch with more. Some I regret, most not.

And here I am now. Living on my own, going to college at the gentle age of twenty. If I had any advice for my parents in the past it would be to force me to go back to school after I graduated and not let me fuck the dog for as long as I have. It's done nothing but hurt me.

I have to try and change all my habits. I have to try and meet new people and make a lasting impression. I have to graduate with high grades and have a clear image of what I want to do with my life when I'm done.

My luck has kept me alive, smart, in decent shape, and most of all Loved. I don't deserve any of these things.

It's time to man the fuck up and make something of myself. Make a name. It's time.

This City.

This city is all the same.

Whether it's your face in the parking lot meeting his, or the beautiful girl across the street lighting up her fifth cigarette of the hour, it's all the same. The clothes you wear, the the hairstyles, gel, car you drive, it's all the same.

You couldn't tell a happily just married man from a desolate teenager. Everyone wears a mask of solitude and misery. The architecture just laughs in your face.

The smell of cheap perfume and second hand smoke never really fades, the exhaust fumes tug at your heart. It seems like no matter what you do, this city will never change and because of it we're all doomed.

The side streets whisper promises while main offers nothing but nightlife and overpriced alcohol. The rain is continuous, and it has to be to wash the sins away. Vultures wait on top of gargoyles. All the while people come and go to work and school, thinking that someday they'll be happy or make something of themselves.

Not in This City.

Wait, what?

I don't know man.

I'm not going to say shit, because as soon as I start talking things immediatly go downhill. I have hope. Less then a glimmer, but it's there. It's going to take until the end of the week before things get finalized, so who knows.

Wow.

A shot in the dark.

I'm leaving now to decide my fate on whether or not I'll be able to make it into school for my time allotted in Victoria.

I don't stand much of a chance, have to beg and scrape by in hopes that they'll let me in, and even then what I want might be full.

I don't know what to expect.

Remind me, why am I doing this?

I am just batting a million.

So I moved out of my house, my parents house mind you, so I could go to school. After I had signed the lease for my house, school said no. After I got here, I tried to go to the college to upgrade so I could eventually go to University. They're in the process of saying no.

So I'm in a foreign city without the purpose I came here to fulfill.

Yes, the obvious fucking answer is get a job. I just doubt my skills. Everyone asks "What can you do?" and I have to give them a resume I feel like is smeared with lies for things that already look pathetic. But what does this solve?

This let's me live and be able to "enjoy" my time here. However, me enjoying my time here will consist of drinking and potentially womanizing if I ever work the sack up to do it. Which is what I was secretly trying to get away from, I just wanted to study and let my life take it's course.

So I'm fucked. I don't know what to do. All I can do is stick it out.

I'm so lonely already. Both my roommates speak different languages so when ones on the phone with his parents in India, the other is on Facebook speaking Spanish to his friends. I'm out of the loop everywhere I look.

Even if I get a job and start having fun, it's just another detour from where I need to get. It feels like no matter what I do, it's all poisonous.

I have to get something out of this. I need something to hold onto.

Forces of the Universe, I'm yours. I sweated it out all last year and now I'm starting the year exactly the same. Nightmare filled sleep, a constant knot of incomprehensible stress lining my stomach, and a cloud that just shits out bad luck or karma. I'm not sure which.

Help.