Inner Struggles.

The name of the latest obsession is control.

Lately I've found myself trying to wrap my head around my ever changing needs and desires and as of the last few days I find myself constantly spiralling in and out of my mind. I feel the need to grasp and take control of every little situation as it comes, whether it be driving or a passenger, financial needs, or even just ordering food at a restaurant. It's almost like I can't handle anything out of my area of control, if I can control it then I feel the need to do it. I can't stand being a passenger anymore, I feel the need to be in the seat of the car even if the person I'm with is one of the safest drivers around. I can't handle people inquiring about my bank statements, it gets me tense and upset quickly. I nearly snapped at a friend for ordering my food for me at Subway, I felt like he had no right or place to do so even though we were ordering nearly identical subs.

Why am I suddenly like this? Why is everything such a massive power struggle all of a sudden, its like everything I knew is just slipping through my fingers and I'm just standing around watching the chips as they fall, not resisting but not sure of what to do next.

I'm becoming much more aware of the size and strength of myself lately. I put on weight (Again!) and am now pushing one-ninety, but everyone that's close to me that I've asked says I still look one-eighty, in fact my mother who sees me every day says it looks like I've lost weight. Is this the fabled muscle growth and mass I've been craving for so many years, or just extra ponch that is yet to be unseen? I've been working outdoors a fair amount and landed a few extra lawn mowing gigs to keep my a little more active, my workout routines almost a constant now. It makes sense I'd be getting stronger, but my body works in very, very mysterious ways and likes to cheat me, so my hopes are staying low for the moment. In general though I have noticed the strength, the subtle changes in body language from the people around me when I'm near. I'm not used to it, I tower over so many people I very nearly cowered behind in High School, so I haven't learned to throw my weight around at all yet.

I'm so sick of all the criticism that surrounds me. I offhandedly mention that I like a certain kind of mayonnaise better then another and add that it also has less calories and fat than our regular and I get ridiculed. I constantly am besmirched about my alcohol consumption when in all truth everyone that surrounds me spends the exact same amount if not more. I only drink with a select group of friends and I usually split costs with people to save money, so the amount they see me drinking is the same as their own. I'm constantly under fire for my no eating after eight, meals ready around 7:50 are inconvenient for me so I'll eat when I need to to ensure I'm not eating after that time. Criticism about my weight, workouts, lack of this, too much that....

Honestly, I am trying here. I'm trying harder then I've ever tried to live a healthy lifestyle and all I get is a constant shit-storm of complaints and critiques. I'm not interfering with anyone elses life, I make sure of it. Why does it seem that whenever I take any sort of positive step I just get dragged back to my past or taken down a peg? I'm striving for my own happiness and what I want, leave it be.

I really want a companion for this journey to lend me a hand up.

"If we're never together, if I'm never back again, Well I Swear to God I'll Love You Forever."