After careful consideration

Goddamn do I hate having to actually know a thing about myself. I knew exactly how I would react.

At first I actually thought the whole thing was pretty funny. I was strolling around the house chuckling to myself about how much of a bitch it's going to be not having the only girl I've ever had stand by me and always had to run to whenever I'm down and out. I was literally laughing at my future self. What an asshole.

Next I kind of soured up and got the bitterness of the whole situation in my throat. I just kind of sat there, still laughing ruefully occasionally with my roommate about something dumb or trivial (I forget) until I actually got mad.

We had people over for a "scary movie night" which consisted of the worlds shittiest and so not fucking scary it made me shit my pants out of raw and utter boredom: Drag Me to Hell. I literally bitched the movie to death. They turned it off and changed over to Black Swan, which was alright except for the part where Natalie Portman is doing sexy shit. That's amazing.

There's a couple standouts about this whole dumb scenario.

1.) Why is it that I feel the all-consuming need to be with another person? I've been single for three years at this point. I've been happy and moving leaps and bounds in my personal life and maturity, why do I feel the need to always have someone there with me?

2.) The only person who's really stood by my mistreatment, insecurities, phyiscal appearance, changing attitudes wants nothing to do with me now that I've bettered all of those things. That's a scary thought. If she doesn't, who the fuck does? And why do I care?

I guess it's about time I go to the gym. Overcompensation is a wonderful and brlliant way to deal with emotional stress.

I wish I could be wrong once in awhile.

"I understand how you are feeling right now, I understand that you have changed. But you need to understand that I have changed as well. Romantically, I am no longer interested and I do not feel comfortable putting myself in a past relationship to see if old feelings will be rehashed. Im not sure why this is all coming out from you now but to be perfectly honest, its too late. Our relationship was unhealthy for the both of us and I was left feeling extremely distressed, embarrassed, and hopeless a lot of the time. Not to say that our relationship was without some amazing times, because we had plenty. The way we were on and off and never really “together” played a huge toll on me, more then I could have ever expected at the time. I don’t want to dig up details or delve too deeply into issues because it will only cause hard feeling and upset for the both of us."

Welcome back.

Will he? Won't he! Augh!

Who knows these days. What a goddamn semester.

I seriously need a hand with the ladies. I do not know how to work them whatsoever. I don't know what it is, but I am apparently definitely fuck and chuck material (Or to be excruciatingly exact, beat the bejesus out of the bush around sex and then sort of/ sort of not actually do anything before she bails) to women. Now I am not trying to sound like a douche. With a whopping two female interests in the last 7 months, both of which bailed for other dudes does not deserve stud material. Like at all.

I don't know. It's really pretty tough to whine and bitch, and that is exactly why I haven't been around a whole lot. My semester was pretty easy and I didn't do a whole hell of a lot, I stayed active and got my ass kicked five times a week with jitz and the gym, and for awhile there I was working the bedroom thunder until that fell through. Like right through. That's okay though, because if I was AT ALL emotionally involved with the 'gal it would have gone up on this.

Instead I'm moving back into my moms basement in two weeks and working for the summer before I head to the UK. Seriously. I got accepted to the University of Wales and am gone to England for at least a year. I haven't had the chance to go crazy over it yet, but even still I'm excited as hell about the opportunity and incredible experience its going to be. Europe for History majors is like hookers and blow for Charlie Sheen.

But the real meat and dirt of why I came wandering back was because I put myself out there. Like waay out there. I was feeling shitty over the whole (lets call her) Sam situation and her not being around (despite not caring and the definition of God awful sex. Seriously. I didn't think girls could really screw it up that bad, but damn Sammy - you suck at this.) I've known I'm leaving for a few weeks and so has everyone else, but I decided to tell (lets call her) Jenna I could stick out being faithful whilst overseas and actually be a boyfriend towards her.

The look on her face was worth whatever downturn I'm sure I'll take when I decide to get bitter and angry about her turning be down. Her eyes met mine and she went blank. She seriously had no idea how to react whatsoever. That's totally fair. We've had a ton of history of being on-again-off-again and random hook ups in between every tear and curse. We've had it rough as far as friendships and couples go, and randomly telling her relatively out of the blue that I'd be willing to man up, make some changes for her and stick out a long distance relationship over the Atlantic would rattle anyone. I don't blame her an ounce for turning me down with a chuckle - I wouldn't blame my own mother at this point.

With summer coming soon I know I'll be tempted to run from this blog, but with Europe coming so close afterwards and my Heart once again on the line for a girl that by all means should turn me down I get the impression I might be here more than I think.

I hope for the best. I hope she realizes I'm serious and can be a better person than what I've given her. I also hope she doesn't just crush me. I wonder how I will actually take this in the coming days.

In the meantime, Dry Spell Mrk. II begins! Oy.