Losing it, Losing myself.

It's always a search.

Whether you're in a room full of people you know or a club where you know no-one, it's there. Men will deny it, people will call it crude or even barbaric, ridiculous.

But to simply pretend like it doesn't exist is just ignorance. It's always there, he is always there.

The alpha, the leader of the pride. The Alpha Male. And I'm chasing it more and more.

I don't focus on what I think is good for myself, nurturing my body and mind like I used to. I find myself chasing women I can't have, looking only at muscle mass and definition instead of the person, indulging in alcohol and finding more reassurance and enjoyment from it then ever before, working out and constantly critiquing all and any shortcomings.

I want to be the Alpha Male. I don't care about politics, world problems, war, peace, injustice, or what's right or wrong.

I just want to be on the top of the podium with the most beutiful girl, the biggest trophy, my brain roaring with testosterone.

So how does this translate to a nineteen year old with no job, girlfriend, or any plans for the future? It's like as soon as I turned nineteen I lost everything that was so damn important to me these last five years and just turned my back on what I used to think and do.

I guess I'm just using this to explore, keep track of me. I want to know if I'm as bad as the ego I see in the mirror.

I think this will be interesting for everyone.