Another party, another hangover. Why is it whenever I'm down now I only have the slightest initiative to write?

That's all I can seem to look forward to, the attention and interactions of people at parties. I really don't care for the rest of the week, it's all a blur of TV, workouts and forcing myself to try and stay active and motivated to do anything. Then the weekend comes and slams into me and I'm drunk again, thrusting myself to be the life of the party, the funnest guy there. I drink alot but steady myself before blackouts, but I'm always really wasted. I sing obnoxiously and dance as much as I can, learning the words to catchy and upbeat songs so I can keep pace with everyone there and flirt just that much more with whoever is closest to me. I wear my most form fitting shirt to flatter myself and hopefully get that extra stare.

Goddamn, what is wrong with me? I used to have such strong morals, thoughts that meant something? Now all I care about is my own vanity, how good I look in the mirror. I'm certainly far from obsessive over my looks, truth be told I do ridiculously little to bolster them or even improve on much asides muscle size and tone. I'm not looking for a relationship, or even a bond with anyone, I'm looking for someone to give me ten minutes in a closet or the back of their car. I didn't think I was so shallow.

Sure, it's whiney and also normal. Alot of guys do this for a living (insert having a job though) and get along just fine and happy. But I'm not like that! I'm not just some fuck and chuck that people will forget about once they wake up, I'm a human being with real desires, hopes and dreams! I just feel like that's all slipping and being replaced by thoughts of ludicris sexual fantasies with as many women as I can fit into my mind. It doesn't help I don't have to tools to get what I want right now, I feel like it's all being pushed down and the worst of me is coming out. The part that every other guy looks like in my eyes. And that's not good enough.

The other day someone took interest in my tatoos, and not just asking what they mean or when I got them, like actual interest. They wanted to know why I got them and what they meant to me.

It was a total wakeup for me, I forgot that I am an interesting person with strong values and a good head on my shoulders. I forgot that people might not just want to fuck, they might actually have an interest in me. I'm not just a piece of meat, I need to get back on track to who I am and what I need to do to get there.

On another note I haven't read lately at all. I've got two books on the go but I can't force myself to pick them up at all. They're interesting but a bit of a tough read, so maybe I just need to find something softer for now. Finding something like that might spark something again. But overall losing my desire to read altogether is a little weird, I'm not used to it. I don't like it.

All I want right now is enough money to fly away. Somewhere hot. But I know I'd drown myself in the local liquor, so I don't know about that, or what it says about me. The obvious solution is to stop drinking.

Why is money the only thing that I can think of that would make me happy? I miss you Evelyn.

Losing it, Losing myself.

It's always a search.

Whether you're in a room full of people you know or a club where you know no-one, it's there. Men will deny it, people will call it crude or even barbaric, ridiculous.

But to simply pretend like it doesn't exist is just ignorance. It's always there, he is always there.

The alpha, the leader of the pride. The Alpha Male. And I'm chasing it more and more.

I don't focus on what I think is good for myself, nurturing my body and mind like I used to. I find myself chasing women I can't have, looking only at muscle mass and definition instead of the person, indulging in alcohol and finding more reassurance and enjoyment from it then ever before, working out and constantly critiquing all and any shortcomings.

I want to be the Alpha Male. I don't care about politics, world problems, war, peace, injustice, or what's right or wrong.

I just want to be on the top of the podium with the most beutiful girl, the biggest trophy, my brain roaring with testosterone.

So how does this translate to a nineteen year old with no job, girlfriend, or any plans for the future? It's like as soon as I turned nineteen I lost everything that was so damn important to me these last five years and just turned my back on what I used to think and do.

I guess I'm just using this to explore, keep track of me. I want to know if I'm as bad as the ego I see in the mirror.

I think this will be interesting for everyone.