It's everything you ever wanted! And worse!

I swear I'm getting dumber. If not fucking stupider, at least miserable at predicting what's going to happen.

So a good friend of mine and I decided we wanted to be exclusive with each other after we hooked up (her friend helped out too, which was cool) because I couldn't stomach the thought of her sleeping around with other guys. I don't want to make her out to even sound like a whore because she's not, but I think she would have and would have frequently if we just thought we could keep it casual. So instead we made it FACEBOOK OFFICIAL and started to date.

It's a big deal for me. I haven't dated or slept around for three years now and for good reason. Not only did Evelyn scare the bejesus out of me and turn me off women for a long while, when I was ready this last year I found nobody came even close to meeting the requirements and standards I had from Evelyn. Nobody could compare to her it seemed. Maybe it was because I had moulded Evelyn into the perfect girl in my mind over the years and just idolized her to death, but everytime I thought about maybe getting close to someone I shot them down or they turned away when I expressed extreme disinterest to them.

So when I did finally start dating (Lets call her) Oceania I was happy. I had finally come to terms with myself and Evelyn and made the conscious choice to shut out the voice in my head that told me to wait for Evelyn and instead finally give my heart over to someone else that not only interested me and intensely aroused me, but also desired me and my Love.

I've even told her I Loved her. It's terrifying.

Evelyn and I had been talking for awhile. It was stuttering and beyond painful to say the least, the conversations always faded and died after a few minutes and after expressing initial excitement of being able to talk to one another things always went to small talk and I could have cried in frustration and anger over it. After I had told her I was going across the Atlantic to live my motha'fuckin dream and go to Europe she told me she was ecstatic for me and had wanted to see me. I took it with a grain of salt, always thinking it would maybe kind of happen if she had the time or remembered me.

Well it turns out she did. She made the effort to come visit me and told me everything that's happened to her since we've separated.

If I could count the nights spent lying awake and crying, just begging the world to turn just right and bring Jen back to me I'd need an orchestra of hands. I dreamt for months at a time of her wanting me to come back, walking towards me and admitting she still Loves me. They were always nightmares that left me with tears in my eyes when I woke up and realized the sad reality and I had them right up to weeks before Oceania and I started to have sex.

She did. She told me she's Loved me all along and has been unhappy with her choices in men and some life decisions as well.

It was like everything I had dreamed of, thought of, wished for all unfolding right in front of me.

Oceania had said she was fine with me seeing Evelyn as long as Evelyn wasn't going to confess her undying Love for me. I had said that wasn't going to happen.

I don't know. Just talking about the whole thing has totally drained me again. I'll bitch about how I feel and whine about how I Love two amazing people and they both Love me back in another entry. Just thinking about it sucks the life out of me instantly.