New Year, Same Days

It's been awhile again Blogspot, but sadly enough my last post has been pretty reflective of how things have been going and my personal feelings. I let it lie for a reason, every day when I log in to read about others I've been faced with myself and the unchanging post count.

It seems that when I'm not busy I'm desperate to find things to keep myself occupied but when I'm too busy I cut corners all around.

My exchange to the Philippines fell through as the school never contacted me once, so I've been been working towards fulfilling my traveling ambitions by going to Wales instead. But the more I work towards it, the less time I realize I have and the more complex things get. Not just with school transfers and credit, but personal feelings towards it all.

The purpose of me moving to another city was to run away from all the things I hated so badly and start over. I didn't start over but I changed a lot of negative habits and got in shape. I eat better here, I exercise 6x a week, my intellectual capacity has gone through the roof and I'm generally proud of everything I've done since I've been here. My first jujitsu competition is in a week (Holy shit!) and I'm beyond excited to compete with my team against some of the best practitioners from all over B.C.

What still eats at me before I collapse in bed every night is my relationships. Evelyn has been replaced with (lets call her)Jenna and how much she really did for me in helping me escape Evelyn. But beyond that; her smile and laugh, the positive and bright outlook on life she presented, the way she looked at me and even the way she moved. It all seems so far away, and again every thought is tainted with the thought of another poisoning her. I think about it a lot and it unsettles me often.

But as usual, it's the undertones of the situation that really bother me. I can accept Jenna and Evelyn don't want me at times and often wish for a more mature relationship with both of them. But more often it's feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness that nag me. I find myself wondering will I ever be able to find another girl to replace them, and if I do, am I just replacing them or actually moving forward with my personal relationships? I don't want to be stuck in an awful limbo going back and forth between jovial and retracted everytime someone decides they want to talk to me or not. Why can't I stay in a permanent place of content instead of always desiring more from my friends?

This is why another move unsettles me. I've fallen into a bad pattern of staying home too often and never being able to go out. This is obviously a direct factor of not having enough time for work or ever having money outside of my meagre budget, but I wonder that if I moved would I pick up the same nagging tendencies abroad? What's the point of being there and not exploring, enjoying myself and taking the time to appreciate the planet we inhabit?

The obvious answer is always to take the chance to expose yourself. Even after all this bravado and self-examination, it seems as daunting as ever.

Lastly, will anyone show up when I come home?

And who's so lucky but to have a few, Dear Souls tried and true. And there will be a chorus from a crowd, just the crickets chirping loud.