This City.

This city is all the same.

Whether it's your face in the parking lot meeting his, or the beautiful girl across the street lighting up her fifth cigarette of the hour, it's all the same. The clothes you wear, the the hairstyles, gel, car you drive, it's all the same.

You couldn't tell a happily just married man from a desolate teenager. Everyone wears a mask of solitude and misery. The architecture just laughs in your face.

The smell of cheap perfume and second hand smoke never really fades, the exhaust fumes tug at your heart. It seems like no matter what you do, this city will never change and because of it we're all doomed.

The side streets whisper promises while main offers nothing but nightlife and overpriced alcohol. The rain is continuous, and it has to be to wash the sins away. Vultures wait on top of gargoyles. All the while people come and go to work and school, thinking that someday they'll be happy or make something of themselves.

Not in This City.

Wait, what?

I don't know man.

I'm not going to say shit, because as soon as I start talking things immediatly go downhill. I have hope. Less then a glimmer, but it's there. It's going to take until the end of the week before things get finalized, so who knows.

Wow.

A shot in the dark.

I'm leaving now to decide my fate on whether or not I'll be able to make it into school for my time allotted in Victoria.

I don't stand much of a chance, have to beg and scrape by in hopes that they'll let me in, and even then what I want might be full.

I don't know what to expect.

Remind me, why am I doing this?

I am just batting a million.

So I moved out of my house, my parents house mind you, so I could go to school. After I had signed the lease for my house, school said no. After I got here, I tried to go to the college to upgrade so I could eventually go to University. They're in the process of saying no.

So I'm in a foreign city without the purpose I came here to fulfill.

Yes, the obvious fucking answer is get a job. I just doubt my skills. Everyone asks "What can you do?" and I have to give them a resume I feel like is smeared with lies for things that already look pathetic. But what does this solve?

This let's me live and be able to "enjoy" my time here. However, me enjoying my time here will consist of drinking and potentially womanizing if I ever work the sack up to do it. Which is what I was secretly trying to get away from, I just wanted to study and let my life take it's course.

So I'm fucked. I don't know what to do. All I can do is stick it out.

I'm so lonely already. Both my roommates speak different languages so when ones on the phone with his parents in India, the other is on Facebook speaking Spanish to his friends. I'm out of the loop everywhere I look.

Even if I get a job and start having fun, it's just another detour from where I need to get. It feels like no matter what I do, it's all poisonous.

I have to get something out of this. I need something to hold onto.

Forces of the Universe, I'm yours. I sweated it out all last year and now I'm starting the year exactly the same. Nightmare filled sleep, a constant knot of incomprehensible stress lining my stomach, and a cloud that just shits out bad luck or karma. I'm not sure which.

Help.

A New Year.

Is it time for change or just relive another year differently?

I started this year wallowing in depression and unemployment. I end it like the beginning, minus a bit of depression and a tad more optimism.

Jesus, what a waste. I can tick off 2009 as a waste, what I learned can be counted on my fingers. I have to hope 2010 will be something better, but it is entirely up to me.

I guess I'll make up some resolutions on the spot here, for the next two days I'll be drunk and hungover off my ass and then I'll be moving to a foreign town with no plan.

1.) Get out there and be more fucking social. Meet someone that means something.
2.) Drop to 180 pounds.
3.) Enroll and go to school. It's irrelevant what I take, as long as I go.
4.) Be happier. Try and take a positive outlook for a change, fuckface.
5.) Win an amateur fight? (This is being really optimistic and along the thought process I'll keep boxing.)
6.) Get within spitting distance of going or be in Russia.
7.) Learn to be more of a social drinker then a sloppy drunk.

That's pretty good for winging it on the spot I'd say. I think I can do all of it too, amazingly.

Well, the escapade begins. Cheer bros and hoes, hope you all have a great New Years party and get laid.

This year I'll live like I've never lived before, Yeah this is my year for sure.

Here I am.

At home, I'm starting to feel obsolete.

I said goodbye to my buddies at boxing and shook hands with the Coach for the last time in awhile. As I walked out the door I felt my chains fall down and make a clatter on the cold ground, my optimism high. By the time I walked in my front door I had already crashed, my sights set on walking into the night and not coming out. The whole drive I screamed along to The Lawrence Arms, "Criminal," so I feel like my feelings may be justified.

My anger is a sign of disgust with myself, A stewing serenade I hear the sirens on their way. The chemicals inside of me just kept on swimming through my veins, Maybe I should make a move and try to leave this all behind. I listen to the absence of noise, Dead summer breeze, I’m inflated with suspicions. Seems I’ve identified again the criminal of my intent.

I don't know man, when the fuck did I really become such a fucking baby.

I've got harsher mood swings then a cow in heat in the middle of a desert in the summer with no water and a guy trying to suck its tits.

I've got to try and go and upgrade my fucking grades, I've got to make it to University. The plan is to upgrade whatever the hell I need and then go and major in History with minors in Slavic and Physical education. That's just what I spun off the top of my ass, I don't know if you can do that sort of thing, but it's what I want. But then again, when's the last time that fucking counted for two cocks.

I started writing this all pissed off but I've already turned it around to my sarcastic ego. Jesus.

When I get there, asides looking for some sort of job I can tolerate, the first thing I'm going to do is try and find another affordable boxing and squash club. I'm actually into that scene now, which is kind of cool. I never, ever pictured myself liking them and to go out and do it is kind of a thrill in a dull sort of way. Good boxers don't make good writers, so let's hope I don't get too deep. I already feel stupider.

The other possibilities are Ju-jitsu, wrestling, (Maybe. I'm not that gay.) Muay Thai, or kick-boxing. Who knows? Between squash and boxing I've managed to carve a decent body out of my jello mold, so if I really go nuts deep who knows how fine I could end up.

It's up to me in the end, which is the scariest part. I want to go back to being able to trust myself.

AND! I have a follower. Holy fucking shit. The pressure to pump this crap out is intense. So this post is for you, chicky.

Horseshoes for Toilet Paper.

So here I am.

I'm sitting in my kitchen close to midnight writing about my woes. Again.

University said fuck off, I need better Grades. Why didn't I have said grades? I was skipping school for the fun and rebellion of it. I'm stuck with a place in a foreign city with nobody I know, no job or school, and only several days to plan it all because I left everything to the last minute.

There's really no excuses anymore. Where I am today, my looks, my intelligence, my way of living, life choices and self image are of no direct fault to anyone else.

I am a spoiled Western Hemisphere child with nowhere to go because I squandered my talents and opportunities. It is nobody elses fault. I am 100% to blame because I am lazy and took the easy avenue out whenever I saw it.

I see the people around me out having fun, living life and enjoying everything they have. Their hard work in High School paid off and they're in school having a blast, enjoying all there is to enjoy that they earned. I can see this from my vantage point in the gutters.

I have to look at this like some sort of opportunity, to finally turn my shit around and make something work on my own. It is like a fresh start, but I'm not going in with the right mindset right now. I feel confused, beleaguered and out of my league already.

This ride is ending, my luck is finally spent and I'm stuck at a crossroads looking at the forks I have to take.

Where the fuck am I going to end up?

You can have it all, I ain't got the heart to fight total exhaustion; complete breakdown. For the asshole I am, apologies in full. Please, leave me alone. Pull over the van; let me out.