The shit we do

Over time everyone builds up a healthy amount of wounds, scars, nagging injuries or broken bones.

The funny thing is we take this in as part of life and accept it. That time you feel down the stairs when you were drunk and fucked up your knee, when you were a kid and fell off the playground and busted your arm, that asshole that cross checked you into the boards from behind and screwed the disks in your back.

That is life right there. Everyone expects these, and injuries or scars like these make the best stories or tales to tell your friends as you grow up.

But what are these really?

That knee of yours, with the scar running down it from when you smashed it against the wall? That fluid isn't coming back. When you're old and your body starts to call it quits piece by piece, that knee is already hurt. That knee might be the thing that gives when you're going up stairs and breaks your hip which could confine you to a bed for the rest of your diminished time. That shoulder injury you sustained makes it impossible to do a job you need to make sure your family gets by. Your screwed up back gets worse and worse and prevents you from sleeping which slowly drives you insane and makes you think awful things to your eventual suicide. It's not as far fetched or implausible as it sounds.

So what about the emotional damage that is inevitably done to you? What does that do to your personality or character? Will it really affect your major life decisions or will you always follow the path you thought you would when you were 18?

Weird. Not really going anywhere with this though.

New Year, Same Days

It's been awhile again Blogspot, but sadly enough my last post has been pretty reflective of how things have been going and my personal feelings. I let it lie for a reason, every day when I log in to read about others I've been faced with myself and the unchanging post count.

It seems that when I'm not busy I'm desperate to find things to keep myself occupied but when I'm too busy I cut corners all around.

My exchange to the Philippines fell through as the school never contacted me once, so I've been been working towards fulfilling my traveling ambitions by going to Wales instead. But the more I work towards it, the less time I realize I have and the more complex things get. Not just with school transfers and credit, but personal feelings towards it all.

The purpose of me moving to another city was to run away from all the things I hated so badly and start over. I didn't start over but I changed a lot of negative habits and got in shape. I eat better here, I exercise 6x a week, my intellectual capacity has gone through the roof and I'm generally proud of everything I've done since I've been here. My first jujitsu competition is in a week (Holy shit!) and I'm beyond excited to compete with my team against some of the best practitioners from all over B.C.

What still eats at me before I collapse in bed every night is my relationships. Evelyn has been replaced with (lets call her)Jenna and how much she really did for me in helping me escape Evelyn. But beyond that; her smile and laugh, the positive and bright outlook on life she presented, the way she looked at me and even the way she moved. It all seems so far away, and again every thought is tainted with the thought of another poisoning her. I think about it a lot and it unsettles me often.

But as usual, it's the undertones of the situation that really bother me. I can accept Jenna and Evelyn don't want me at times and often wish for a more mature relationship with both of them. But more often it's feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness that nag me. I find myself wondering will I ever be able to find another girl to replace them, and if I do, am I just replacing them or actually moving forward with my personal relationships? I don't want to be stuck in an awful limbo going back and forth between jovial and retracted everytime someone decides they want to talk to me or not. Why can't I stay in a permanent place of content instead of always desiring more from my friends?

This is why another move unsettles me. I've fallen into a bad pattern of staying home too often and never being able to go out. This is obviously a direct factor of not having enough time for work or ever having money outside of my meagre budget, but I wonder that if I moved would I pick up the same nagging tendencies abroad? What's the point of being there and not exploring, enjoying myself and taking the time to appreciate the planet we inhabit?

The obvious answer is always to take the chance to expose yourself. Even after all this bravado and self-examination, it seems as daunting as ever.

Lastly, will anyone show up when I come home?

And who's so lucky but to have a few, Dear Souls tried and true. And there will be a chorus from a crowd, just the crickets chirping loud.

A taste of Irony

I've always been my own biggest fan when it comes to advocating the philosophy of changing something if you aren't happy.

But yet I'm sitting home alone on a Saturday night with no romantic interest and nothing to do. I feel like as more time passes since Evelyn I change and change as I feel necessary but nothing seems to come of it. I get restless and feel the need to move on because the reinvention I coveted in the city has rolled over me; although people see me very differently I'm still unhappy with a lot of things. I'm running out of things to approach to change without straying drastically from my core personality. I'm not prepared to do that.

I really want this transfer to the Philippines. I really want another tattoo. I really want someone to take notice; whether it be my jujitsu coach, the blond girl that always smiles at me in the basement of the Young building or even just an old friend looking to reminisce on what we used to do together.

So this is how that feels

Movember hasn't been a month of happy moustaches.

Not only has school poured it on and forced me to not only concentrate and seriously buckle down 7 days a week, but unlike most classes I'm used to taking I'm forced to do well on my final exams to pull myself out of the dangerous C+ range I'm currently in for almost all my classes. This doesn't cause a ton of stress, but it casts images of self doubt over myself and plays tricks on me when I sleep. What really eats me alive is whats been happening in my personal life.

Since Evelyn left I've had a squeeze on the side. I know I'm still petrified of commitment at most levels so I keep the asshole facade strong most days of the week to most girls. If I don't come off as a dick, I'm probably not talking or keeping to myself at the back at class. So having someone to be intimate with, if only once every couple of weeks is really quite important. I can relax and just let myself slip, pretending I'm with someone or even just have an intense moment with her. It really makes a difference in personal happiness, despite whatever she may think of me and how it might just be sex.

The point is she's moved on and found someone she actually wants to be with or maybe it's just another fuck. I haven't really asked.

Either way, she is more than constituted to do so. We were in no way a couple or together, asides the fact we had been having sex for quite some time, so she is 'allowed' to do whatever it is she wants. In some ways I am happy for her, I know she hasn't met anyone in a long time and also has commitment problems so it's good to hear she is moving ahead and making good of her life.

But why wasn't I good enough?

Why have I never been good enough for a women to want to stay with me, even under troubled circumstances? Is it the way I treat them, the things I do, the strange values I put on sex? I want her back because without her I feel inadequate all over again, just like when Evelyn left. I feel unaccomplished despite the large amount of effort I put into so many categories to avoid just that. And this where school creeps up on me. I realize I'm still in college with an average GPA, trying to blot out personal issues with women and going through a dry spell which is beginning to really hurt my self-confidence.

The difference between me and my squeeze is that she's had ample opportunity. All this time she has been going out she's had ample opportunity to go home with a wide variety of guys, or even date some real winners. She's been waiting patiently forever and making herself content with the odd relationship we've had. I haven't. I haven't had any opportunities in nearly two and a half years. I haven't had chances to go home with anyone, date anyone special, or make any real connections.

I ran to the city to reinvent myself and restart my academic progression. I feel like I'm hitting a plateau right now, going nowhere and able to see my exe's climb higher and higher without me.

The school offers an exchange program to the Philippines and I'm seriously considering it. I feel like I'd be running again, but I also feel the major wanderlust pulling at my heart and begging me to see the world. I feel so trapped by the restrictions at home and just want to be far away from all of this ridiculous crap and prove to myself I can stand on my own.

But even more I want to prove to myself I am compatible with others and that I do have a shred of charm left.

Bedtime hunger

I can work/ study tired. I can work upset or even a little distracted most days. What I can't do is work hungry-nothing gets done.

And when the fridge is empty like this it's hard to get anything done, despite how much I know I have to do. The work isn't slowing and I've just got too much to do for me to be hungry and pushing things aside in frustration like I am. My nights shouldn't be spent pissing time away on Youtube or wishing I had someone to talk to. Because someone to really talk to, to have a serious or even an intimate conversation these days has become a serious rarity.

And someone like that is important, because it really only starts to become a necessity when you realize you don't have anyone to go to. To confide in, to let loose the dark parts of your heart, to share the bitter feelings that threaten to black out what you have. It seems like I've been gaining nothing but baggage for friends these last years, the old friends that this would come out to have fallen away or out of favor. I realize I can be fickle, but I also realize that despiteless of how badly I just need to scream and throw out my troubles that I'm better off without these people.

What I would say is that I'm so tired of even showing inner shades of anything of myself and having it dismissed or blown away by every other male around me or just shut down. I'm really beginning to realize how disconnected I am from most people, I've loooooonnng ago accepted I've never been normal or one to fit in with any sort of clique or student family- and for the most part I'm happy with it. I do have a a general disdain for most people and an arrogant lip curl that I can't remember inheriting. I do look down on people from some ridiculous pedestal I seem to have carved myself but have no reason to.

With all this discontent sleep loss follows. I sweat myself awake and toss and turn all night; I dream of Love that wasn't to be leading me along with a string around my neck that I can't let go of, and I dream of lust. I dream myself awake and I blink at the force of the dream, trying hard to make sure it wasn't real and if it was what would I do? Even though I would classify some as nightmares I still chase them after I wake.

The weekend is here and I'm chasing all of this with a bottle. I know it's a temporary high and a quick fix that surely won't solve any problems and potentially even create some, but I'm excited for the solice it brings. Other than that, the rest of the weekend I'm more excited about seeing some good friends. Although we can't talk like I'd want to, they're always able to excite and make me happy. The close ones anyways.

Happy Halloween, bitches.

School is totally cool on Saturdays

I don't know what all the fuss is regarding sleeping alone. Whenever I have someone stay the night now I never do much sleeping, regardless of what does or doesn't happen.

Maybe it's because I've done it for so long alone or the fact that she snores. I'd rather have that bed for myself.

On a much cooler note, it's uncool to sit in a library trying to study while your sinuses feel like they're trying to swallow your face. I can't decide if I need to cry or just yank off my nose to try and get whatever is pinching the inside of my eyes out.

Well you've become predictable

I was just yanking you about the threesome thing. I mean it might still be in the works, but knowing me I won't be able to write about until I do something totally crazy/wrong/awesome so we'll keep holding our breath on that. "Why would I want to have a threesome, so I can disappoint two women at once?" Hah! I Love that quote.

I've gone back to wishing for my long lost womenhood.

If anything, my womanizing skills have gone up lately. I've made a ton of new galfriends but none of them hold any lasting or special potential. I can't help but think that in a few years I'll just be another face somewhere hidden on their Facebook profile when they're smiling at me, and while this is surely the case for most if not all friends met during college this still eats at me deep down. I wish I could make some really true girlfriends, I have so few. The few I have either just want to fuck my brains out (Woe is me, right?), only want to see me when I'm drunk or don't bother trying to hold up a decent conversation.

I may come off sounding like the worlds largest faggot to roam the Earth here, but I don't see this as healthy. I don't have sex with other women and haven't had sex with a (different) women since High school, they've all been throwbacks or almost/just abouts/you're too fat for this lady. I honestly believe healthy/one night stands are good for you and help you grow; my maturity and understanding of what women like, want and understanding has gone through the roof but I still get all nervous about sexual interaction. In fact, it downright terrifies me.

I've had (A few, I'm not that much of an arrogant asshole so settle down) girls from across the bar throw themselves at me and I've gone home alone when I could have gone home with two girls or one very cute one because I'm nervous about such trivial shit. When I hear about all these girlfriends of mine sick and tired of meeting 3-4 guys a night it's all I can do to keep my jaw closed and not falling all over the fucking floor. This guy wants to buy your booze for the night and get you drunk, is willing to put up with whatever drivel bullshit you want to talk about just for the chance of smelling what's under that miniskirt and if you say no will probably fuck off back to his friends without an ounce of shame-for every man knows what it's like to be rejected and be given nothing in return for his hard work.

Sweet Jesus I wish I could do that.

No money, effort or any sort of worry involved. If nobody does come up to me or I'm an ugly as fuck girl, whatever. I can always just dance, throw my hair around on the dance floor and grind with other girls because that's still socially acceptable and fun. I know tons of girls that don't even pre-drink or bother getting drunk just because they can either get drunk from horny rich dudes or just have fun dancing with friends. I have to pass half a bottle before I start thinking about getting behind, in front or even beside a girl-despite how well my latest gym endeavors and jiu-jitsu have been going.

I've always had this massive ego and a horrendous self-consciousness I manage to conceal from everyone. What a stupid mix.

I kissed a girl and I liked it!