Irreconcilable Differences

I just burnt the ever Loving shit out of my fingers from steam from my pasta sauce, so this will probably be quicker than I originally thought.

What is it with people obsessing over identical partners?

I guess it would be cool to talk with people you can directly relate to and have everything in common, hell, I've had it? But wouldn't it be nice to have someone as a polar opposite or just different?

I mean for me I'm pretty outgoing, like to drink and party and take my clothes off doing so, like to read about History in my (SPARE!) time, and like to keep fit and eat healthy and whatnot. So I think good conversation would be someone who doesn't necessarily hate all of these things and does their own thing would spice things up. Sure, relating with people is neato and all fun in a touchy-feely sort of way, but eventually this leads to problems. Sure, being very different people will obviously cause trouble much quicker but at least it's out there and everyone knows how much the other person hates/dislikes/ abhors said practice.

Where's the natural curiosity and the desire to try shit out? I'm one impatient guy, but having the chance to explore another person on an extremely personal way excites me. Making small talk sucks, period. So why not skip that garbage and find out what makes people tick and what turns their crank? It doesn't even have to be sexual, you can get so much more out of a person when you speak honestly about body language between each other and ask the questions that you realize you wouldn't ask normally.

Maybe I'm saying this because I'm beginning to realize more and more I'm not going to find alot of people that relate to me on any sort of personal level or even have a good laugh with on a regular basis. I'm not upset about that, I'm upset that it 'scares' people away though. I really wouldn't ever classify myself under any sort of intimidating banner, despite what I may say or think about when someone close does something that gets my goat. It happens frequently, but I've never been a man of serious action.

I guess I'm a supafreak. I'm supafreaky and I'm not right for not nobody on this wide world. I'll get by.

What does our closest future hold; day and time I suppose.

And one night could last forever

I'm falling asleep as we speak with someone elses taste on my lips.

I'd forgotten what it's like to fall asleep to sweet dreams like these.

S is for Summer and Sundowner

Goood evening!

What a summer it has been...I may have been incoherently drunk for a better part of it with good friends or lying around on beaches with a beer in hand, but who's to complain? I've had a good one even if I didn't work and haphazardly sauntered through schoolwork and mundane tasks, but I don't necessarily feel great about that. I'm sure I'd be happier with more money, but as it is life is pretty cool being thrifty. I made a water bottle out of an empty soap bottle so now people are going to think I'm drinking Sunlight and am nuts as hell.

I haven't made a ton of friends, I've just expanded on the group I had before the summer started which is pretty cool. It takes fooorever to get into circles of friends and I'm still experiencing unanswered texts and having to call whenever I want something to happen. It's been a lot of summer movies and I've seen a ton of great flicks so far. Notables would include Inception, Brick, and Sunshine. All totally different juanras and off the beaten path of regular film which is why they're good.

I've been outside, partying, or hanging with people all August so I doubt I'll want to write while there's still sun kissing my skin all day and night. It's been a struggle to write this little blip.

Man I want the new Sundowner album so damn bad. I've just been listening to it non-stop.

And when I'm grey and blue I've got pictures of you, and when I'm blue and grey I've got clouds to chase away.

I'm outgoing?

I keep getting all this weird and rather unfamiliar feedback about my 'new' lifestyle from friends I haven't seen in awhile.

Asides the fact that everyone continues to tell me to get a job and ask consistently about my tattoos over and over...the other thing that gets brought up is how fun and outgoing I am. Not very many people can keep up with me when I'm out on the town, after a day on the beach most are too tired to do anything else, and even just going to the lake wears people out after a swim across.

Seriously, I'm not in that great of shape. Do I have higher standards of exercise and what consists of a busy day than others, or just the people I hang around with?

This wasn't worth writing about at all, but I felt the need to type something to put my mind at ease.

Midterms tomorrow. Haven't studied an ounce and not worried a bit about it.

Just the thought of...

Just thinking of her provokes so many emotions.

Just the simple thought of a tilt of her head, her hair falling down to her sides and her eyes on me makes me squirm. Her slow but beautiful smile growing as she rubs her hands across my chest, her gentle laughter as she sees how nervous I get everytime she touches me. And then the thought of desire, how enticing every curve of her body is and the knowledge that she feels the same of me. The thought of skin on skin, our bodies melting together with slick sweat and grasping hands as they desperately feel their way across each other. And then the truth pops, I'm alone at home and so is she. But I know she still thinks of me in the same way.

And then as I get up to shower, the thoughts turn and twist like a wounded boxer throwing his desperate punches into thin air. I think of other men violating her, touching her where I had once laid claim to myself. I feel my gorge rise, a bitter and guttural snarl building in my throat and escaping through my limbs with barely checked aggression. I shake my arms out and crank my neck around, feeling my muscles awaken, blood flowing through my veins and heart rate spike. I think of other men saying words and phrases I know could never be as true as what we once had and I turn the dial to maximum, feeling the hot water race across my body.

I grit my teeth in the shower, feeling my neck muscles bunch and tighten as my open and close my jaw in a controlled fury. As I think of every other man that's touched her, no matter how insignificant, I look down on my own body and evaluate. I imagine breaking his nose, picking him up by the waist and slamming him down on the pavement, ducking a punch and hammering my fists into his ribs over and over.

And then I think of the loss.

I imagine losing and the humiliation it would bring and I start to sober up, like a drunk being brought back to consciousness with IV's. The world around me loses its colour, and everything slowly begins to fade back to greys and whites. I imagine her yelling at me, telling me how fucking stupid I am for even thinking that me hurting someone she now cares about could make any shred of difference. I imagine lying on my back, physically and emotionally drained with bruises and blood scattered across my defeated body as she walks away.

I dry myself with a towel, my features relaxed and my world quiet. As I reach for my socks I hear her laughter as another man tickles her ribcage and moves his fingers up to her armpit and continues his torment. I imagine her hysterical and high pitched squeals as she tries to heave away, but he is too big and too strong and manhandles her back down to continue tickling and making her laugh. As my boxers slide on I see her pushing her hands and fingers to his chest, gliding down to his stomach and pelvis; I see her bite her lip and breath quicken as she thinks of what she wants to do.

I come out refreshed but trapped in my past. I think of her alone, I look around my own house and see nothing but distractions and idle time wasters. I think of what I've lost and begin to feel a familiar nothingness creep into my heart and head, already welcoming the blackness of incoherent and idle thought. I open my textbooks and she disappears, replaced with roaring muskets and economic figures.

She's gone until I talk to her again, but it always starts and ends the same.

Fall

I want the wind on my face, a warm jacket wrapped around my body and neck with the Autumn leaves crunching beneath my feet.

I want the world around me to die and wither and have the ability to just wade through it all, kicking amber fireworks into the air.

Feelings of Old

I'm beginning to feel my heart tug at me again for the first time in a very long time.

It was after I had been driving for something like six hours, I was on the drive home from a fucking amazing but sunburnt filled camping trip a few days ago when I realized how empty the house would be when I got home.

And all of a sudden, school and going back to the city and surrounded by women again seemed daunting and unappealing. I wished I could have stayed out where there is no such thing as laptops or cell phone reception, or even the people that I want to see but know won't call won't be around for me to dream about.

I wished for a warm house and a warm smile, a knowing look on her face as my craggy and unshaven features enter the room with weary but lustful eyes. I wished for someone that wanted my company and wanted to ask me what I thought of every little thing, someone to run her fingers over my shoulders as I got into bed.

I'm over it mostly. I can still hear old pillow talk conversations in my bed before I sleep sometimes, and I'm beginning to have trouble sleeping again. Time away from the gym and more time spent grinding out theories, hypothesise and the start of what seems like an endless torrent of history papers doesn't wear me out. I'm just too poor to afford going to a decent gym anymore. My budget for food has plummeted, and I'm a little worried on where I'm going to get next months rent from.

I wish the summer was over and I could say I had the time of my life. I wish it was October and the rains were coming, along with the wind and clouds.

But it's still summer and who knows how it might turn out. Chamberlain Waits by the Menzingers has fueled my last two weeks, infiltrating every thought and every spare moment. What an amazing album.

Please, seat yourself; usher of times won't recognize you.