Fall

I want the wind on my face, a warm jacket wrapped around my body and neck with the Autumn leaves crunching beneath my feet.

I want the world around me to die and wither and have the ability to just wade through it all, kicking amber fireworks into the air.

Feelings of Old

I'm beginning to feel my heart tug at me again for the first time in a very long time.

It was after I had been driving for something like six hours, I was on the drive home from a fucking amazing but sunburnt filled camping trip a few days ago when I realized how empty the house would be when I got home.

And all of a sudden, school and going back to the city and surrounded by women again seemed daunting and unappealing. I wished I could have stayed out where there is no such thing as laptops or cell phone reception, or even the people that I want to see but know won't call won't be around for me to dream about.

I wished for a warm house and a warm smile, a knowing look on her face as my craggy and unshaven features enter the room with weary but lustful eyes. I wished for someone that wanted my company and wanted to ask me what I thought of every little thing, someone to run her fingers over my shoulders as I got into bed.

I'm over it mostly. I can still hear old pillow talk conversations in my bed before I sleep sometimes, and I'm beginning to have trouble sleeping again. Time away from the gym and more time spent grinding out theories, hypothesise and the start of what seems like an endless torrent of history papers doesn't wear me out. I'm just too poor to afford going to a decent gym anymore. My budget for food has plummeted, and I'm a little worried on where I'm going to get next months rent from.

I wish the summer was over and I could say I had the time of my life. I wish it was October and the rains were coming, along with the wind and clouds.

But it's still summer and who knows how it might turn out. Chamberlain Waits by the Menzingers has fueled my last two weeks, infiltrating every thought and every spare moment. What an amazing album.

Please, seat yourself; usher of times won't recognize you.

Interwebz

The Internet really weirds me out sometimes, even though I've been raised with it.

Pre Internet, how could you follow along with what your favorite author was doing and how books were coming along in the UK? How could you hear what your favorite band's lead singer was thinking about (felching, beer, kids, etc.) when he wasn't rockin' the fuckin' joint year round? How would you know how many guys your ex has chewed through in the last 6 months?

Now I follow all of it. Every time any one of them has something to say, think about, or even just off handedly mention, I get it. I may be on the West Coast of Canada and they might be in 'burbs of Chicago or even across the Atlantic, but within seconds of them saying anything I have immediate access to whatever they want me to see.

How fucking weird is that! I don't care if I've grown around it and spent hungover Friday nights doing dishes and watching stupid shit on Youtube, it still gets to me a little and makes me do a double take. I can even follow my favorite pornstars and jerk off to their every new move and curve on Pornhub. Weird. Totally weird.

In other news, I continue to keep getting too drunk on holidays. I'm officially too rowdy for most people after a little gin. I've grown to "double" the size I was in grade ten and am apparently close to becoming one of those assholes who flaunts his rock-hard chiseled body to the bitches too often. I'm also a roaring mass of testosterone and people have been commenting on my energy levels, which I've always considered lower than most.

Who knew.
"Blame the suits, who line their pockets with her tears. Blame the boys in the blindfolds covering their ears."

Hope

You have to believe the things you want to change the most will. Because if you don't, you don't have a hope of making anything better or the way you want it.

I've been hoping for so long, working so hard at what I want, and yet everything seems so very far away. It's times like these you have to hope that the things you want will eventually come to you, despite how hard it is to keep the faith or remain optimistic.

My biggest adversary is myself.

I wish I had the heart and determination of some of the people you meet. I've just never been passionate about anything to really just dive in balls deep, despiteless what the tattoos on my shoulder mean. Even on my History exam the other day, I realized that with what I had already written I had earned a B at the very least, so I cut the rest of my answers short so I could leave and come home early to Youtube.

History is supposed to be what I am, it's my major and passion. I read about it on my spare time, study it in school, and know more than most people twice my age. Yet I still have an uncertain future with my degree, where I will finish it, and what I will make of it. The tattoos on my shoulder limit me to the west out of personal paranoia, even though the call to Moscow is like a needle in my heart.

The summer already feels like it's passing me by. I'm looking forward to a month of rain and the atmosphere it brings.

Competitive Nature

I'm stoked for this to come in the mail. How sick is that?

I wish I had a once a weekly outlet of aggression, like road hockey or indoor soccer or something.

Preferably I'd be in the middle of the pack, not the worst or the best but still a relevant threat. I can't believe how different I've become from Evelyn leaving me and being single as long as I have. I'm fiercely competitive over everything deep down, despite how much I may or may not let on. A refusal to back down in the face of oppression or aggression, something totally new to me. I've always been an instigator and had a mouth, but it feels like now if someone were to start with me I would just finish. I'd like to think so anyways.

At 5'11 I've never considered myself short, but I'm always surrounded by taller and older guys with bigger arms and more money than me. As frustrating as it is, it's almost a way of life. I'm unsure of what anyone actually perceives me as. I guess I'm blending better than I used to.

Boo-Tea-Call

I need one.

I get like bad urges. I'll be sitting around doing homework or something and then bam! I'm an animal. Every last bit of my body wants sex and I can feel my heart rate spike as I think about it.

And all these redheads in this city? Murder! I would get on so many of them and leave every one gasping for breath.