I need a goddamn time machine.

Because if I had one, I would go back seven years or so to my first bantam league tryout. I would tip the edge of my stick with a razor blade.

And then right before that fucking inbred cocksucking second year fatass cross-checked me from behind into the boards headfirst I would turn around and cut his fucking leg off. Seriously. I would.

Because that fucker pulled a dirty hit on a hundred and ten pound first year who was nervous about hitting in the first place, not only was I reluctant to hit for the rest of the year I seriously fucked up my back.

My bottom disks are partially fused, so whenever I sit down slouched for too long or lift anything heavy the slightest bit improperly I pull them apart and they go straight sideways. Not only is it excruciatingly painful, it's really hard to try and get them back into place.

All because that dirty bitch-titted ass plunger decided to be a dick and show off to his buddies on the bench. A twenty second play has lasted for over eight years and caused me alot of fucking pain.

The broken bone in my nose from boxing doesn't bug me too much because I stepped into the ring knowing what could happen, but this was totally unacceptable and unsportsmanlike to the extreme. If I ever see you again Cameron whateverthefuck your last name is I'm going to fucking drop you. With a bag of nickles. Or a roll of nickles behind my fist. Or maybe I'll fucking hit you from behind unexpectedly you fucking webtoed cum gargler. Fuuuuckkk you!!!!

I pulled my back at the gym. Now it fucking hurts like a whore. I feel better ranting at that faggot though.

You have to wonder.

All those songs you sing, I understand every single word like you were still whispering it in my ear. I still hear you singing them to me, and the thought of you saying those words to anyone else burns like acid reflex. I may be over you, I may have moved on, but I haven't seen anyone else. I'm still alone and you're gone. You've moved on and you've found others.

And although I'm sure we both know it won't work between us, I still hate the fact that someone else can have you.

You're the reason I've changed. I'm stronger, smarter and fiercely competitive because of you. But I'm also bitter, sullen, and angry deep down at people for having found the happiness I once had.

You may not knock me down for the day with news of boyfriends or off having fun again without me, but I still feel that burn.

What would happen if I looked in your eyes again and found my smile? Would I still lose my breath afterwards and bite my lips in anticipation of being close to you? And if I did, would you still notice and smile? Would we even recognize each other anymore?

The rest of my day will be spent in reflection, a dark anger brewing behind whatever facade I put up. But tomorrow you will be gone until I see your face and remember what I need to do to keep moving. Keep fighting. Keep learning.

I've been revolving like Turnstiles...

I don't care, I don't care...

Fuck but I do. I wish you would just stay single Evelyn. I wish you all the happiness in the world and I can honestly say I am for the most part over you...

But I still can't stand the thought of you in someone elses arms. I want to beat the fuck out of whoever it is.

I want someone to want me. I'm happy, I'm not lonely, but I want to be desired more than anything else right now.

Happy 100th, Musings!

Happy 100 posts to me! It may come off as lame, but I'm scoring this one as an achievement for sticking to it and continuing to blog and get all that shit I need off my chest.

I really hate going home.

I Love Victoria BC! I always thought I would hate the city but it turns out I Love the smaller city, it's an amazing and happening place to live. But what really strikes me as odd is that no matter where you go, people are always saying the same things. "There's nothing to do here!"

I come from a small town where all there is to do is drugs, alcohol or sit around and game like crazy. So when I moved to the big city full of clubs, pool halls, pools, squash courts, fields, strip clubs, gyms, and everything else and someone tells me that this city is too small and there's nothing to do I'm a little shocked. People seem to be more and more attention deficit and harder and harder to please, needing higher stimulus and subsequently expensive things to keep themselves remotely entertained for a short while.

It turns out it just matters it's the people you're with.

When I went home for the weekend I couldn't find someone that actually wanted to be around me. I got told they were "busy" doing "top secret" things and wasn't invited. Turns out they were blowing up balloons for a friends party. Going out for dinners that was strictly "BFF's" only. Or just sitting around in a group watching Tv together, without me mind you. When I did get to friends, they sat around and played video games like they were before I got there or continued to watch TV.

Now, I really don't think I'm super special and need to be babied or given more attention when I'm around people, but when I haven't seen someone for a few months I would think they would want to converse or ask what's going on with me. Turns out they would rather keep doing what they've been doing since I was gone and that is play video games or get drunk.

I'm not invited to anything but drinking parties. I get the impression that in a few years time when they start to get married and I show up at the wedding I'll be nothing more than a shit disturber to them, someone who's a rowdy drunk or loud and obnoxious. Well of course I am, but is that the only side you want to get to know of me? It seems like it. I won't know these people in a few years and they'll continue to live and go off with their own little groups to do ridiculously fun things without me like they always have.

So I guess I'm going to stop going home. I sat around trying to do something with people and instead waited around all day to go to a drama-filled, boring ass and poorly planned birthday party. Fuck those guys. At least here people text me asking me to do things, actually wanting to hang out with me and then supplementing the evenings with alcohol as a side thought instead of focusing everything around it.

If people want to see me, they should have to come to me. I'm tired of going out on a limb for no reason at all. I want to be wanted. I want to be desired. I want to be remembered for my company and personality, not the funny drunk one.

Happy 100 to me. I hope I'm ushering in yet another era for myself.

A fucking History juggernaut!

I've been saying this about myself for the last few weeks. I really feel like a full fledged historian and I Love it. I want to change the stereotype of geeky little fags who look as dumb as they sound when they talk.

I Incorporated squats into my workout and hate it. My legs have been sore for fucking days now and I can barely go up stairs. It seriously sucks hella ass and I hate how they can be as good for me as they are.

I feel good about myself. I deleted my Blond Assassin off Facebook. All my exes seem so fucking whiny or not a scrap different from when they left me. Good riddance. I'm happy alone and even though I don't really get ass or anything., I feel strong, I feel in shape, and I'm proud of what I've done. I even don't mind my hair on days.

The blog has become a place to get out my casual slang talk instead of being so fucking formal like every stupid paper has to be. Considering I'll be going to school straight through until next April, I need a chance to vent swear and promote my big muscly chest. 14 Inch biceps? Uh-huhhhh.

You can't touch this.

Were you expecting someone else?

I really didn't expect much to happen. I didn't know what to say when I did talk to her.

I showed it to her. She didn't know what to say either. Now we're even more awkward than before. It's like getting punched in the stomach.

Ah life is not terrible though. Summer classes, being a total history geek in a class full of RETARDS is actually pretty fun.

"What the fuck is Imperialism, like I'm a social worker and have never heard the term man."

"It's AMERICA you dumb FUCK! Like how the FUCK have you been raised not knowing about British Imperialism in the late nineteenth century you stupid fucking boner-biter? Were your parents inbred or did you just breast feed until 24? FUCK get out of my fucking discussion group you car-jacking limp shitdicked ASSHOLE!!!!!!!"

I didn't say that shit. Should have.

Man the quality of my writing has like plummeted since I got into college. At least on my blog. Contradiction?

What do I want?

You'd think for once when something went my way I'd just be happy about it.

I was at the bar last night for a hypnotist show, which was alright at best. Two weeks ago I got hypnotized by the same guy and I wanted to watch the show this time and see other people do stupid shit like have "orgasms" and tell the hypnotists mic to call him Tyrone while he fucked her.

Anyways, I was hanging out in the bar waiting for my roommate to get out of the bathroom when one of the girls who had gotten hypnotized last night came up to me and said she saw me when I was on stage. She proceeded to tell me how funny I was, how much fun it was, and then introduced me to her friend. She told me I should stay and party with them, which I was a little skeptical of because I'm so dirty broke it's insane. She said I should get really drunk with her and her friend, which they were both pretty insistent on. I told them no I really couldn't afford it and I was ready to go home, so eventually they said bye and went back to the dance floor.

Of course, my roommate had come back and seen all of this and told me to take off my moron helmet and get in there. He then proceeded to leave and told me just to try it, I can always leave but I don't get many chances like that.

So I stayed. I grabbed a beer and headed back out, which both chicks were ecstatic about. As soon as I started dancing I could tell they were both pretty drunk, which when I'm stone cold sober is always a turn off. The next thing I couldn't help but notice was the way they were grinding on me and making out with each other...

The friend kept pulling me in between the two of them, clearly trying to feel my cock the whole time. The other one kept mouthing things to me, running her nails down my back, feeling my chest, rubbing my arms.

Have I mentioned ever that those are all some of my biggest turn ons? Every single one of those drives me absolutely wild and gets me going instantly. Seriously, reading the words gets me a little excited.

No joke, I could have mentioned off-handedly we should go back to my house and I could of had these girls wrapped around my dick in a heartbeat. Both were ready to go, and both were totally cool with the whole promise of sharing a bed.

A weird thing happened when I was dancing though. As I looked around, I couldn't help but notice all of the other women in the club and how much more I wanted each and every single one of them. Both these girls were Asian and maybe a six out of ten in hotness; BUT COME THE FUCK ON! WHO CARES! It's a fucking threesome! How do you say no to it!

Well I did. I walked out on them after about half an hour of absolute filthy dancing, girl on girl action and went home alone.

I'd like to say it's integrity but I also have to contribute it to a few other things.

1.) If I was drunker, this would have been a no brainer. I probably would have skipped the dance floor and just hopped a bus with them.

2.) My blond assassin. Ever since that day when she came and I wasn't able to get it up for her, I haven't been able to get her out of my head. (Read about her here- http://musethisbitch.blogspot.com/2009/08/blond-assassin.html) Whenever I'm with a random now the very first thing that I have to think of is "Will I be able to go?" I realize that she was something much, much more than some randomass girl in a club but it still scares the beJesus out of me thinking that might happen again.

3.) There was a level on integrity. I'll take an ounce of credit and say that I did think it was wrong to try and milk this sort of thing; although I would definitely say the bigger parts were played by the much drunker girls and Grace.

This whole thing has really got me thinking alot. I want to talk to someone to talk to about this, but who the fuck can you trust with information like this?

I think I might actually try and go to her with it. It's not like we've talked since or anything.

I was never about this, never about this low.