It's everything you ever wanted! And worse!

I swear I'm getting dumber. If not fucking stupider, at least miserable at predicting what's going to happen.

So a good friend of mine and I decided we wanted to be exclusive with each other after we hooked up (her friend helped out too, which was cool) because I couldn't stomach the thought of her sleeping around with other guys. I don't want to make her out to even sound like a whore because she's not, but I think she would have and would have frequently if we just thought we could keep it casual. So instead we made it FACEBOOK OFFICIAL and started to date.

It's a big deal for me. I haven't dated or slept around for three years now and for good reason. Not only did Evelyn scare the bejesus out of me and turn me off women for a long while, when I was ready this last year I found nobody came even close to meeting the requirements and standards I had from Evelyn. Nobody could compare to her it seemed. Maybe it was because I had moulded Evelyn into the perfect girl in my mind over the years and just idolized her to death, but everytime I thought about maybe getting close to someone I shot them down or they turned away when I expressed extreme disinterest to them.

So when I did finally start dating (Lets call her) Oceania I was happy. I had finally come to terms with myself and Evelyn and made the conscious choice to shut out the voice in my head that told me to wait for Evelyn and instead finally give my heart over to someone else that not only interested me and intensely aroused me, but also desired me and my Love.

I've even told her I Loved her. It's terrifying.

Evelyn and I had been talking for awhile. It was stuttering and beyond painful to say the least, the conversations always faded and died after a few minutes and after expressing initial excitement of being able to talk to one another things always went to small talk and I could have cried in frustration and anger over it. After I had told her I was going across the Atlantic to live my motha'fuckin dream and go to Europe she told me she was ecstatic for me and had wanted to see me. I took it with a grain of salt, always thinking it would maybe kind of happen if she had the time or remembered me.

Well it turns out she did. She made the effort to come visit me and told me everything that's happened to her since we've separated.

If I could count the nights spent lying awake and crying, just begging the world to turn just right and bring Jen back to me I'd need an orchestra of hands. I dreamt for months at a time of her wanting me to come back, walking towards me and admitting she still Loves me. They were always nightmares that left me with tears in my eyes when I woke up and realized the sad reality and I had them right up to weeks before Oceania and I started to have sex.

She did. She told me she's Loved me all along and has been unhappy with her choices in men and some life decisions as well.

It was like everything I had dreamed of, thought of, wished for all unfolding right in front of me.

Oceania had said she was fine with me seeing Evelyn as long as Evelyn wasn't going to confess her undying Love for me. I had said that wasn't going to happen.

I don't know. Just talking about the whole thing has totally drained me again. I'll bitch about how I feel and whine about how I Love two amazing people and they both Love me back in another entry. Just thinking about it sucks the life out of me instantly.

After careful consideration

Goddamn do I hate having to actually know a thing about myself. I knew exactly how I would react.

At first I actually thought the whole thing was pretty funny. I was strolling around the house chuckling to myself about how much of a bitch it's going to be not having the only girl I've ever had stand by me and always had to run to whenever I'm down and out. I was literally laughing at my future self. What an asshole.

Next I kind of soured up and got the bitterness of the whole situation in my throat. I just kind of sat there, still laughing ruefully occasionally with my roommate about something dumb or trivial (I forget) until I actually got mad.

We had people over for a "scary movie night" which consisted of the worlds shittiest and so not fucking scary it made me shit my pants out of raw and utter boredom: Drag Me to Hell. I literally bitched the movie to death. They turned it off and changed over to Black Swan, which was alright except for the part where Natalie Portman is doing sexy shit. That's amazing.

There's a couple standouts about this whole dumb scenario.

1.) Why is it that I feel the all-consuming need to be with another person? I've been single for three years at this point. I've been happy and moving leaps and bounds in my personal life and maturity, why do I feel the need to always have someone there with me?

2.) The only person who's really stood by my mistreatment, insecurities, phyiscal appearance, changing attitudes wants nothing to do with me now that I've bettered all of those things. That's a scary thought. If she doesn't, who the fuck does? And why do I care?

I guess it's about time I go to the gym. Overcompensation is a wonderful and brlliant way to deal with emotional stress.

I wish I could be wrong once in awhile.

"I understand how you are feeling right now, I understand that you have changed. But you need to understand that I have changed as well. Romantically, I am no longer interested and I do not feel comfortable putting myself in a past relationship to see if old feelings will be rehashed. Im not sure why this is all coming out from you now but to be perfectly honest, its too late. Our relationship was unhealthy for the both of us and I was left feeling extremely distressed, embarrassed, and hopeless a lot of the time. Not to say that our relationship was without some amazing times, because we had plenty. The way we were on and off and never really “together” played a huge toll on me, more then I could have ever expected at the time. I don’t want to dig up details or delve too deeply into issues because it will only cause hard feeling and upset for the both of us."

Welcome back.

Will he? Won't he! Augh!

Who knows these days. What a goddamn semester.

I seriously need a hand with the ladies. I do not know how to work them whatsoever. I don't know what it is, but I am apparently definitely fuck and chuck material (Or to be excruciatingly exact, beat the bejesus out of the bush around sex and then sort of/ sort of not actually do anything before she bails) to women. Now I am not trying to sound like a douche. With a whopping two female interests in the last 7 months, both of which bailed for other dudes does not deserve stud material. Like at all.

I don't know. It's really pretty tough to whine and bitch, and that is exactly why I haven't been around a whole lot. My semester was pretty easy and I didn't do a whole hell of a lot, I stayed active and got my ass kicked five times a week with jitz and the gym, and for awhile there I was working the bedroom thunder until that fell through. Like right through. That's okay though, because if I was AT ALL emotionally involved with the 'gal it would have gone up on this.

Instead I'm moving back into my moms basement in two weeks and working for the summer before I head to the UK. Seriously. I got accepted to the University of Wales and am gone to England for at least a year. I haven't had the chance to go crazy over it yet, but even still I'm excited as hell about the opportunity and incredible experience its going to be. Europe for History majors is like hookers and blow for Charlie Sheen.

But the real meat and dirt of why I came wandering back was because I put myself out there. Like waay out there. I was feeling shitty over the whole (lets call her) Sam situation and her not being around (despite not caring and the definition of God awful sex. Seriously. I didn't think girls could really screw it up that bad, but damn Sammy - you suck at this.) I've known I'm leaving for a few weeks and so has everyone else, but I decided to tell (lets call her) Jenna I could stick out being faithful whilst overseas and actually be a boyfriend towards her.

The look on her face was worth whatever downturn I'm sure I'll take when I decide to get bitter and angry about her turning be down. Her eyes met mine and she went blank. She seriously had no idea how to react whatsoever. That's totally fair. We've had a ton of history of being on-again-off-again and random hook ups in between every tear and curse. We've had it rough as far as friendships and couples go, and randomly telling her relatively out of the blue that I'd be willing to man up, make some changes for her and stick out a long distance relationship over the Atlantic would rattle anyone. I don't blame her an ounce for turning me down with a chuckle - I wouldn't blame my own mother at this point.

With summer coming soon I know I'll be tempted to run from this blog, but with Europe coming so close afterwards and my Heart once again on the line for a girl that by all means should turn me down I get the impression I might be here more than I think.

I hope for the best. I hope she realizes I'm serious and can be a better person than what I've given her. I also hope she doesn't just crush me. I wonder how I will actually take this in the coming days.

In the meantime, Dry Spell Mrk. II begins! Oy.

The shit we do

Over time everyone builds up a healthy amount of wounds, scars, nagging injuries or broken bones.

The funny thing is we take this in as part of life and accept it. That time you feel down the stairs when you were drunk and fucked up your knee, when you were a kid and fell off the playground and busted your arm, that asshole that cross checked you into the boards from behind and screwed the disks in your back.

That is life right there. Everyone expects these, and injuries or scars like these make the best stories or tales to tell your friends as you grow up.

But what are these really?

That knee of yours, with the scar running down it from when you smashed it against the wall? That fluid isn't coming back. When you're old and your body starts to call it quits piece by piece, that knee is already hurt. That knee might be the thing that gives when you're going up stairs and breaks your hip which could confine you to a bed for the rest of your diminished time. That shoulder injury you sustained makes it impossible to do a job you need to make sure your family gets by. Your screwed up back gets worse and worse and prevents you from sleeping which slowly drives you insane and makes you think awful things to your eventual suicide. It's not as far fetched or implausible as it sounds.

So what about the emotional damage that is inevitably done to you? What does that do to your personality or character? Will it really affect your major life decisions or will you always follow the path you thought you would when you were 18?

Weird. Not really going anywhere with this though.

New Year, Same Days

It's been awhile again Blogspot, but sadly enough my last post has been pretty reflective of how things have been going and my personal feelings. I let it lie for a reason, every day when I log in to read about others I've been faced with myself and the unchanging post count.

It seems that when I'm not busy I'm desperate to find things to keep myself occupied but when I'm too busy I cut corners all around.

My exchange to the Philippines fell through as the school never contacted me once, so I've been been working towards fulfilling my traveling ambitions by going to Wales instead. But the more I work towards it, the less time I realize I have and the more complex things get. Not just with school transfers and credit, but personal feelings towards it all.

The purpose of me moving to another city was to run away from all the things I hated so badly and start over. I didn't start over but I changed a lot of negative habits and got in shape. I eat better here, I exercise 6x a week, my intellectual capacity has gone through the roof and I'm generally proud of everything I've done since I've been here. My first jujitsu competition is in a week (Holy shit!) and I'm beyond excited to compete with my team against some of the best practitioners from all over B.C.

What still eats at me before I collapse in bed every night is my relationships. Evelyn has been replaced with (lets call her)Jenna and how much she really did for me in helping me escape Evelyn. But beyond that; her smile and laugh, the positive and bright outlook on life she presented, the way she looked at me and even the way she moved. It all seems so far away, and again every thought is tainted with the thought of another poisoning her. I think about it a lot and it unsettles me often.

But as usual, it's the undertones of the situation that really bother me. I can accept Jenna and Evelyn don't want me at times and often wish for a more mature relationship with both of them. But more often it's feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness that nag me. I find myself wondering will I ever be able to find another girl to replace them, and if I do, am I just replacing them or actually moving forward with my personal relationships? I don't want to be stuck in an awful limbo going back and forth between jovial and retracted everytime someone decides they want to talk to me or not. Why can't I stay in a permanent place of content instead of always desiring more from my friends?

This is why another move unsettles me. I've fallen into a bad pattern of staying home too often and never being able to go out. This is obviously a direct factor of not having enough time for work or ever having money outside of my meagre budget, but I wonder that if I moved would I pick up the same nagging tendencies abroad? What's the point of being there and not exploring, enjoying myself and taking the time to appreciate the planet we inhabit?

The obvious answer is always to take the chance to expose yourself. Even after all this bravado and self-examination, it seems as daunting as ever.

Lastly, will anyone show up when I come home?

And who's so lucky but to have a few, Dear Souls tried and true. And there will be a chorus from a crowd, just the crickets chirping loud.

A taste of Irony

I've always been my own biggest fan when it comes to advocating the philosophy of changing something if you aren't happy.

But yet I'm sitting home alone on a Saturday night with no romantic interest and nothing to do. I feel like as more time passes since Evelyn I change and change as I feel necessary but nothing seems to come of it. I get restless and feel the need to move on because the reinvention I coveted in the city has rolled over me; although people see me very differently I'm still unhappy with a lot of things. I'm running out of things to approach to change without straying drastically from my core personality. I'm not prepared to do that.

I really want this transfer to the Philippines. I really want another tattoo. I really want someone to take notice; whether it be my jujitsu coach, the blond girl that always smiles at me in the basement of the Young building or even just an old friend looking to reminisce on what we used to do together.

So this is how that feels

Movember hasn't been a month of happy moustaches.

Not only has school poured it on and forced me to not only concentrate and seriously buckle down 7 days a week, but unlike most classes I'm used to taking I'm forced to do well on my final exams to pull myself out of the dangerous C+ range I'm currently in for almost all my classes. This doesn't cause a ton of stress, but it casts images of self doubt over myself and plays tricks on me when I sleep. What really eats me alive is whats been happening in my personal life.

Since Evelyn left I've had a squeeze on the side. I know I'm still petrified of commitment at most levels so I keep the asshole facade strong most days of the week to most girls. If I don't come off as a dick, I'm probably not talking or keeping to myself at the back at class. So having someone to be intimate with, if only once every couple of weeks is really quite important. I can relax and just let myself slip, pretending I'm with someone or even just have an intense moment with her. It really makes a difference in personal happiness, despite whatever she may think of me and how it might just be sex.

The point is she's moved on and found someone she actually wants to be with or maybe it's just another fuck. I haven't really asked.

Either way, she is more than constituted to do so. We were in no way a couple or together, asides the fact we had been having sex for quite some time, so she is 'allowed' to do whatever it is she wants. In some ways I am happy for her, I know she hasn't met anyone in a long time and also has commitment problems so it's good to hear she is moving ahead and making good of her life.

But why wasn't I good enough?

Why have I never been good enough for a women to want to stay with me, even under troubled circumstances? Is it the way I treat them, the things I do, the strange values I put on sex? I want her back because without her I feel inadequate all over again, just like when Evelyn left. I feel unaccomplished despite the large amount of effort I put into so many categories to avoid just that. And this where school creeps up on me. I realize I'm still in college with an average GPA, trying to blot out personal issues with women and going through a dry spell which is beginning to really hurt my self-confidence.

The difference between me and my squeeze is that she's had ample opportunity. All this time she has been going out she's had ample opportunity to go home with a wide variety of guys, or even date some real winners. She's been waiting patiently forever and making herself content with the odd relationship we've had. I haven't. I haven't had any opportunities in nearly two and a half years. I haven't had chances to go home with anyone, date anyone special, or make any real connections.

I ran to the city to reinvent myself and restart my academic progression. I feel like I'm hitting a plateau right now, going nowhere and able to see my exe's climb higher and higher without me.

The school offers an exchange program to the Philippines and I'm seriously considering it. I feel like I'd be running again, but I also feel the major wanderlust pulling at my heart and begging me to see the world. I feel so trapped by the restrictions at home and just want to be far away from all of this ridiculous crap and prove to myself I can stand on my own.

But even more I want to prove to myself I am compatible with others and that I do have a shred of charm left.

Bedtime hunger

I can work/ study tired. I can work upset or even a little distracted most days. What I can't do is work hungry-nothing gets done.

And when the fridge is empty like this it's hard to get anything done, despite how much I know I have to do. The work isn't slowing and I've just got too much to do for me to be hungry and pushing things aside in frustration like I am. My nights shouldn't be spent pissing time away on Youtube or wishing I had someone to talk to. Because someone to really talk to, to have a serious or even an intimate conversation these days has become a serious rarity.

And someone like that is important, because it really only starts to become a necessity when you realize you don't have anyone to go to. To confide in, to let loose the dark parts of your heart, to share the bitter feelings that threaten to black out what you have. It seems like I've been gaining nothing but baggage for friends these last years, the old friends that this would come out to have fallen away or out of favor. I realize I can be fickle, but I also realize that despiteless of how badly I just need to scream and throw out my troubles that I'm better off without these people.

What I would say is that I'm so tired of even showing inner shades of anything of myself and having it dismissed or blown away by every other male around me or just shut down. I'm really beginning to realize how disconnected I am from most people, I've loooooonnng ago accepted I've never been normal or one to fit in with any sort of clique or student family- and for the most part I'm happy with it. I do have a a general disdain for most people and an arrogant lip curl that I can't remember inheriting. I do look down on people from some ridiculous pedestal I seem to have carved myself but have no reason to.

With all this discontent sleep loss follows. I sweat myself awake and toss and turn all night; I dream of Love that wasn't to be leading me along with a string around my neck that I can't let go of, and I dream of lust. I dream myself awake and I blink at the force of the dream, trying hard to make sure it wasn't real and if it was what would I do? Even though I would classify some as nightmares I still chase them after I wake.

The weekend is here and I'm chasing all of this with a bottle. I know it's a temporary high and a quick fix that surely won't solve any problems and potentially even create some, but I'm excited for the solice it brings. Other than that, the rest of the weekend I'm more excited about seeing some good friends. Although we can't talk like I'd want to, they're always able to excite and make me happy. The close ones anyways.

Happy Halloween, bitches.

School is totally cool on Saturdays

I don't know what all the fuss is regarding sleeping alone. Whenever I have someone stay the night now I never do much sleeping, regardless of what does or doesn't happen.

Maybe it's because I've done it for so long alone or the fact that she snores. I'd rather have that bed for myself.

On a much cooler note, it's uncool to sit in a library trying to study while your sinuses feel like they're trying to swallow your face. I can't decide if I need to cry or just yank off my nose to try and get whatever is pinching the inside of my eyes out.

Well you've become predictable

I was just yanking you about the threesome thing. I mean it might still be in the works, but knowing me I won't be able to write about until I do something totally crazy/wrong/awesome so we'll keep holding our breath on that. "Why would I want to have a threesome, so I can disappoint two women at once?" Hah! I Love that quote.

I've gone back to wishing for my long lost womenhood.

If anything, my womanizing skills have gone up lately. I've made a ton of new galfriends but none of them hold any lasting or special potential. I can't help but think that in a few years I'll just be another face somewhere hidden on their Facebook profile when they're smiling at me, and while this is surely the case for most if not all friends met during college this still eats at me deep down. I wish I could make some really true girlfriends, I have so few. The few I have either just want to fuck my brains out (Woe is me, right?), only want to see me when I'm drunk or don't bother trying to hold up a decent conversation.

I may come off sounding like the worlds largest faggot to roam the Earth here, but I don't see this as healthy. I don't have sex with other women and haven't had sex with a (different) women since High school, they've all been throwbacks or almost/just abouts/you're too fat for this lady. I honestly believe healthy/one night stands are good for you and help you grow; my maturity and understanding of what women like, want and understanding has gone through the roof but I still get all nervous about sexual interaction. In fact, it downright terrifies me.

I've had (A few, I'm not that much of an arrogant asshole so settle down) girls from across the bar throw themselves at me and I've gone home alone when I could have gone home with two girls or one very cute one because I'm nervous about such trivial shit. When I hear about all these girlfriends of mine sick and tired of meeting 3-4 guys a night it's all I can do to keep my jaw closed and not falling all over the fucking floor. This guy wants to buy your booze for the night and get you drunk, is willing to put up with whatever drivel bullshit you want to talk about just for the chance of smelling what's under that miniskirt and if you say no will probably fuck off back to his friends without an ounce of shame-for every man knows what it's like to be rejected and be given nothing in return for his hard work.

Sweet Jesus I wish I could do that.

No money, effort or any sort of worry involved. If nobody does come up to me or I'm an ugly as fuck girl, whatever. I can always just dance, throw my hair around on the dance floor and grind with other girls because that's still socially acceptable and fun. I know tons of girls that don't even pre-drink or bother getting drunk just because they can either get drunk from horny rich dudes or just have fun dancing with friends. I have to pass half a bottle before I start thinking about getting behind, in front or even beside a girl-despite how well my latest gym endeavors and jiu-jitsu have been going.

I've always had this massive ego and a horrendous self-consciousness I manage to conceal from everyone. What a stupid mix.

I kissed a girl and I liked it!

Every Word of Every Song

...Is about me, and I know it.

I hate it. I hate how someone could draw inspiration from something like me being crushed like I was and turn it into something so beautiful. Every chord was drawn from us and every last emotion and change of pitch thrived on our relationship.

I wish my writing could be more reflective on my mood 85% of the time, but it isn't. The blog has become a place to dump my fears, inner demons and anxiety before I sleep or right after I become provoked with intense thought. I also wish my writing was less about Evelyn, but expressing my inner thoughts and shedding skins is synonymous with her.

Next time around will be good though, I promise. I'm too tired and sick of writing at the moment to elaborate but I've got a juicy sex issue burning up inside. To three(or 4?)some, or not to?

Love will keep us Alive

When it comes to cynical (Or critical, I get either alot) thinkers, I'm usually leading the charge into the face of optimism or wishful thinking. But my recent philosophy class left me a little shaken with a hint of thoughtful.

The thought that Love might just be chemicals in your brain being released to certain triggers a man/women gives off doesn't sit well. I understand it, I believe it, but I don't like it. I've always envisioned Love to be much much more than that, not just occytosin or dopamine being released (Dopamine by the way is the same chemical that is triggered through sex, cocaine or other forms of happiness or getting high...Ugh). Love is something that doesn't just make you high or crazy, it's not something that when the Love is gone you want to kill yourself, Love is...

I'd be an idiot to think I could know how to describe Love. The greatest philosophers in the world have all come up with terms, arguments and theories that have been widely accepted around the world. I bet if I could talk all fancy and expand my mind the way they do, I would put a verbal fuckin' smackdown on those weiners-but I can't. So since this is my blog and those bitches aren't around to talk trash, I'll write my PHD theories on this bad boy.

It's certainly been awhile since I've felt the genuine feelings for someone and really had myself stumbling over my every sentence. There has been some blips on the radar here and there, there has been people which make me nervous and sweat over stupid shit and there definitely has been girls I've found myself attracted to not only in a purely physical way. What I haven't had is a combination of all of the above.

This is strictly personal, so who knows what the universal is mind you. I remember meeting all of the girls I would say I've Loved in the past, and not a single one would immediately get me excited. In fact, first impressions were pretty standard. Another girl, decent looking, a solid 6-7 on the hotness scale. What really engaged me was the talk, within a couple of awkward minutes I began to open up and begin to get a laugh. As soon as the laughter came, that's when I knew. Every single time. After a couple hours of conversation, things began to change. Features began to become smoother, blemishes began to become features and imperfections began to become fascinations.

It didn't take long for these women to become steadily more attractive and personalities to become riveting, almost like a book that needed to be read and understood. Sex suddenly became a possibility, never a foremost thought or an obsession but a growing desire that seemed to burn inside. A passion for another persons body and the innate curiosity to explore, touch, feel and learn.

All of these feelings are so distant. All of these memories are so tragic and none have ended the way I would ever have hoped for. There is a fondness in remembering, but there is a bitter taste at the end of every sentence that won't leave my lips. I want that fondness back without the aftertaste.

We are made from Chemicals, but what holds us together is much more than that. You are strong, so much stronger than me all along- 'cause you are everything and I am nothing.

Why does this already feel like a tragedy?

How can it be that when you see someone so defeated, so broken down that you can feel envy?

Maybe it's because that you know that they can only go up from there, where as wherever you are in the world you know you've got alot of growing and still more suffering to endure.

I don't envy the dead.

What the fuck am I cut out for?

Fun fact: I'm totally typing this in a Gi. (Those white dresses you see kung-fu done in!)

I can't remember a time when I was doing something that just felt right. It seems like everything I get up to is very close to being proper, but not just. I'm not complaining, school is definitely where I think I should be-but there's something missing. I feel like I take 65% of the lesson and lecture plan home with me, and when I try to read my arrogance swallows me and prevents me from getting any further. As soon as I get in over my head (which is happening alot with the some of the material I have to read) I get discouraged, angry and then disgusted. Book hits the binder and I'm on Facebook seeing if someone wants to talk to me.

I think I get by with my unnatural ability to spin bullshit and vague memories of things I realize I should care about. I don't read books for knowledge, I read them with the intent of finding answers to questions I know I'll have to answer. If the book doesn't hold what I want when I skim over it, it's to Google or elsewhere for an easy answer. Has my own mind bailed out on me?

I can't force myself to read all day. I don't retain what I read and it's a fruitless task, even if I know something has to be done for the morning. This frustrates me even more and I feel useless, like everything I'm trying to get from my life isn't working. It does make me want to quit-even though I know I won't. It just reflects badly on my grades, which are the only thing that show how successful I am at what I'm doing. Are they true? Do I deserve the A's and B's or am I right to receive C's? What will I graduate with? And nigguh what the fuck is a scholarship because I sure suck at getting them!

We can all be free.
Maybe not with words,
Maybe not with a look-
But with your mind.

Irreconcilable Differences

I just burnt the ever Loving shit out of my fingers from steam from my pasta sauce, so this will probably be quicker than I originally thought.

What is it with people obsessing over identical partners?

I guess it would be cool to talk with people you can directly relate to and have everything in common, hell, I've had it? But wouldn't it be nice to have someone as a polar opposite or just different?

I mean for me I'm pretty outgoing, like to drink and party and take my clothes off doing so, like to read about History in my (SPARE!) time, and like to keep fit and eat healthy and whatnot. So I think good conversation would be someone who doesn't necessarily hate all of these things and does their own thing would spice things up. Sure, relating with people is neato and all fun in a touchy-feely sort of way, but eventually this leads to problems. Sure, being very different people will obviously cause trouble much quicker but at least it's out there and everyone knows how much the other person hates/dislikes/ abhors said practice.

Where's the natural curiosity and the desire to try shit out? I'm one impatient guy, but having the chance to explore another person on an extremely personal way excites me. Making small talk sucks, period. So why not skip that garbage and find out what makes people tick and what turns their crank? It doesn't even have to be sexual, you can get so much more out of a person when you speak honestly about body language between each other and ask the questions that you realize you wouldn't ask normally.

Maybe I'm saying this because I'm beginning to realize more and more I'm not going to find alot of people that relate to me on any sort of personal level or even have a good laugh with on a regular basis. I'm not upset about that, I'm upset that it 'scares' people away though. I really wouldn't ever classify myself under any sort of intimidating banner, despite what I may say or think about when someone close does something that gets my goat. It happens frequently, but I've never been a man of serious action.

I guess I'm a supafreak. I'm supafreaky and I'm not right for not nobody on this wide world. I'll get by.

What does our closest future hold; day and time I suppose.

And one night could last forever

I'm falling asleep as we speak with someone elses taste on my lips.

I'd forgotten what it's like to fall asleep to sweet dreams like these.

S is for Summer and Sundowner

Goood evening!

What a summer it has been...I may have been incoherently drunk for a better part of it with good friends or lying around on beaches with a beer in hand, but who's to complain? I've had a good one even if I didn't work and haphazardly sauntered through schoolwork and mundane tasks, but I don't necessarily feel great about that. I'm sure I'd be happier with more money, but as it is life is pretty cool being thrifty. I made a water bottle out of an empty soap bottle so now people are going to think I'm drinking Sunlight and am nuts as hell.

I haven't made a ton of friends, I've just expanded on the group I had before the summer started which is pretty cool. It takes fooorever to get into circles of friends and I'm still experiencing unanswered texts and having to call whenever I want something to happen. It's been a lot of summer movies and I've seen a ton of great flicks so far. Notables would include Inception, Brick, and Sunshine. All totally different juanras and off the beaten path of regular film which is why they're good.

I've been outside, partying, or hanging with people all August so I doubt I'll want to write while there's still sun kissing my skin all day and night. It's been a struggle to write this little blip.

Man I want the new Sundowner album so damn bad. I've just been listening to it non-stop.

And when I'm grey and blue I've got pictures of you, and when I'm blue and grey I've got clouds to chase away.

I'm outgoing?

I keep getting all this weird and rather unfamiliar feedback about my 'new' lifestyle from friends I haven't seen in awhile.

Asides the fact that everyone continues to tell me to get a job and ask consistently about my tattoos over and over...the other thing that gets brought up is how fun and outgoing I am. Not very many people can keep up with me when I'm out on the town, after a day on the beach most are too tired to do anything else, and even just going to the lake wears people out after a swim across.

Seriously, I'm not in that great of shape. Do I have higher standards of exercise and what consists of a busy day than others, or just the people I hang around with?

This wasn't worth writing about at all, but I felt the need to type something to put my mind at ease.

Midterms tomorrow. Haven't studied an ounce and not worried a bit about it.

Just the thought of...

Just thinking of her provokes so many emotions.

Just the simple thought of a tilt of her head, her hair falling down to her sides and her eyes on me makes me squirm. Her slow but beautiful smile growing as she rubs her hands across my chest, her gentle laughter as she sees how nervous I get everytime she touches me. And then the thought of desire, how enticing every curve of her body is and the knowledge that she feels the same of me. The thought of skin on skin, our bodies melting together with slick sweat and grasping hands as they desperately feel their way across each other. And then the truth pops, I'm alone at home and so is she. But I know she still thinks of me in the same way.

And then as I get up to shower, the thoughts turn and twist like a wounded boxer throwing his desperate punches into thin air. I think of other men violating her, touching her where I had once laid claim to myself. I feel my gorge rise, a bitter and guttural snarl building in my throat and escaping through my limbs with barely checked aggression. I shake my arms out and crank my neck around, feeling my muscles awaken, blood flowing through my veins and heart rate spike. I think of other men saying words and phrases I know could never be as true as what we once had and I turn the dial to maximum, feeling the hot water race across my body.

I grit my teeth in the shower, feeling my neck muscles bunch and tighten as my open and close my jaw in a controlled fury. As I think of every other man that's touched her, no matter how insignificant, I look down on my own body and evaluate. I imagine breaking his nose, picking him up by the waist and slamming him down on the pavement, ducking a punch and hammering my fists into his ribs over and over.

And then I think of the loss.

I imagine losing and the humiliation it would bring and I start to sober up, like a drunk being brought back to consciousness with IV's. The world around me loses its colour, and everything slowly begins to fade back to greys and whites. I imagine her yelling at me, telling me how fucking stupid I am for even thinking that me hurting someone she now cares about could make any shred of difference. I imagine lying on my back, physically and emotionally drained with bruises and blood scattered across my defeated body as she walks away.

I dry myself with a towel, my features relaxed and my world quiet. As I reach for my socks I hear her laughter as another man tickles her ribcage and moves his fingers up to her armpit and continues his torment. I imagine her hysterical and high pitched squeals as she tries to heave away, but he is too big and too strong and manhandles her back down to continue tickling and making her laugh. As my boxers slide on I see her pushing her hands and fingers to his chest, gliding down to his stomach and pelvis; I see her bite her lip and breath quicken as she thinks of what she wants to do.

I come out refreshed but trapped in my past. I think of her alone, I look around my own house and see nothing but distractions and idle time wasters. I think of what I've lost and begin to feel a familiar nothingness creep into my heart and head, already welcoming the blackness of incoherent and idle thought. I open my textbooks and she disappears, replaced with roaring muskets and economic figures.

She's gone until I talk to her again, but it always starts and ends the same.